12/13/2010

More cool things I'd like to do someday

I had loads of fun last week listing some cool things I'd like to do.  This week I realized I have some more cool things I'd like to do, and with New Year's resolutions to write, I thought it apropos to list them here.  Take a gander at some more cool things I want to do:

*Punch an electronic device on the fritz and restore it to perfect working order.

*Talk a suicidal man away from the edge of the roof by assuring him we're in this together and then regaling him with gym locker room talk from the good old days, which shows him that life has value after all.  Tell joke that we'll share a beer at Sizzler, but that he'll have to drink through a straw because he'll be in a straight jacket.

*Get stuck in elevator with a crowd of people.  Diffuse wave of panic by assuring everyone that I've been in this situation before and that panic is the enemy.  Get a boost from biggest guy in elevator; pop tile off of elevator roof; climb up elevator shaft to nearest door; push button on higher floor to get elevator running again and be there when the doors open to greet fretful passengers.  Applause.

*Deliver a baby in a cab.  Kid gets named after me.

*Inadvertently get thrown on a dance floor by drunken buddies and dance an impromptu tango with exotic strange woman.  Execute steps so well that the father of my dance parter -- a very powerful dignitary in a foreign country -- toasts to me, invites me to his table, and cautions me against breaking his daughter's heart because he killed the last man who did so.

*Extinguish a fire with my parka before it gets out of hand.

*Take a college economics course.  Ask poignant question which throws starchy, know-it-all professor off balance.  Give impromptu speech that rouses the classroom and appeals to common sense in lieu of academic pretentiousness.  Garner applause from classmates.  Starchy professor sneers and organizes papers on desk.

*Successfully hide from bad guys by hiding underwater and using a stick of bamboo to breathe.

*Reconcile with wife after a fight (the result of a comic misunderstanding) by appearing on stage with a ukulele and singing a sweet ballad in her honor that neither she nor the audience can resist.  Kiss to applause.

*Turn off a machine threatening the life and limb of an innocent victim by throwing an everyday object at the power button mere seconds before disaster strikes.

*Employ an explosion as a distraction to rescue hostages and then use a snowmobile to make a daring escape.  

*Remedy an electrical short by using makeshift conductor.

*Be the best man at a wedding and throw such an outrageous bachelor party that I jeopardize the marriage with all the crazy antics the bride-to-be discovers.  Then I come to the rescue by making moving and romantic toast to the couple after easing tension by dancing a jig with cute little 4-year-old girl.

*Successfully land plane after pilot gets sick and passes out from spoiled seafood.

*Join double-dutch jump rope in ghetto streets and transcend race/culture barrier.  Go to McDonald's afterward and laugh with neighborhood girls while eating.  McDonald's makes whole thing into a commercial.

27 comments:

Dawn said...

Hahaha! I was about to say we have absolutely nothing in common UNTIL I read the last one. LOL!

heartinhand said...

Sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Fonzie/Bruce Willis/Chuck Norris/MacGyver.

=)

Me too, dude. The Female Canadian version, that is.

SQT said...

Shirley you must be joking...

Awesome post! I think you should do the man off a ledge thing twice. The second one should have the "Lethal Weapon" twist where you handcuff yourself to the guy and jump off and land on a giant air-bag.

Or... You can tie yourself to the top of a high-rise building with a fire hose and jump off while firing an automatic weapon. Oh, that would be way cool.

KittyCat said...

THanks man you just gave me one to add to my list, have sex in an elevator with the sportsman of course.
: )

Great list, you sure set the bar high.

HulaBuns said...

I literally LOLed to several of these. Some of my favs: bamboo (this is also on my list), throw something at power button (in my head I saw you throwing a shoe. "Who throws a shoe anyway, honestly?"), tango, employ an explosion (but the snowmobile part reminds me of Lara Croft Tomb Raider for some reason). Hilarious post, thanks I needed a laugh like that.

Heff said...

Good luck with that.

All of my proposed New Years Resolutions SUCK ASS.

Who wants to quit smoking ? Honestly.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

That's quite a "Bucket List" you have going there! Rock on!

the eternal list said...

one suicidal man coming right up...i'll just go get him...he's my "friend"...

JUST ME said...

You should probably write for those "Most Awesome Man in the World" commercials.

Or make a book about this. Or something. It's too good to ignore.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

This post needs to be turned into a movie. You actually doing these things would be awesome and knowing you, it would be hilarious. :P

Denise said...

Would the elivator thing really work? I've never been trapped, but I would feel safe with you.

Shabbygalsnest said...

Wow, nothing boring about you! I loved the last one! Traci

Baloney said...

You watch a lot of TV, don't you...

Philosophia said...

Oh gosh, I love this list. Very creative. Now you've made me want to do all these things too, especially the suicidal man part; and no I don't mean help him by pushing him off the ledge. :)

Mona said...

To be precise then, all you want to be is a multiple theme movie writer's Script!

Mona said...

There was a man I heard about, who said that he always wanted to be between the legs of women. Poor thing, All he wanted was to be was a pack of sanitary napkins...

Deborah said...

Are you bored with me constantly saying how I like how you think?

You could be a supa-hero! Let's design a costume.

BTW - I used to own a TV that would come to life when I punched it on the top. It was very very satisfying.

tornwordo said...

Well I've actually done that first one. The camera was dead. Totally dead and lifeless. I thought what the hell and hit it as hard as I could and it winked back to life. Worked great until I dropped it on the beach. A grain of sand finally killed it.

Anonymous said...

God---you are so frickin' awesome!!

T-Rex

Kelley said...

You have me LAUGHING INTO MY HANDS! This means I am laughing so hard, I have to hide my face for fear of large furry animals crawling right through my mouth. Sorry. I don't know where that came from... I was laughing at them all but LOVED the last McDonald's visual. I sure hope you get all of these things done this year. I believe you can. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!

Impulsive Addict said...

Sounds like somebody wants to receive a lot of applause. I bet you also like being the center of attention. Are you an only child? You have QUITE the imagination! =)

Climb2Nowhere said...

Double dutch is way too hard, but everything else seems totally doable! I did get stuck in an elevator and trust me it's not all it's cracked up to be. Only in the movies is it anything great!

♥Georgie♥ said...

so basically your saying you wanna be 'McGruber?' You are sooo funny!!!! and I'm your newest follower georgie aka mrs bundy

Budd said...

Most of these are completely overrated, except punching the electronic device to get it working again. That was very fulfilling.

Another one you might add is to teach underpriveledged, inner city youth that they can learn and that their future isn't decided yet.

Mrs4444 said...

And I thought you were fun before!

Constar said...

so i made this list of shit i would like to do someday and it included stuff like "ride a horse" and shit..... yours is so so much better!great post!

Gucci Mama said...

I hate to burst your bubble here, love, but I did every single one of those things yesterday. In that exact order. It's time for a new list. You wouldn't want to be thought a copy cat.