My New Year's resolutions for 2011

  1. Eat only when I'm hungry.  Stop eating food on principle, which is to say, stop eating it just because it's there and I have a mouth.
  2. Invent my own pyramid scheme so that I'll already be at the top of the pyramid when it takes off.
  3. Write fad diet book whose gist is reconciling your body with nature, or customizing your diet to your unique biorhythms, or whatever such crap Oprah likes to hear so she'll promote the book and I get rich and famous, just in case the pyramid scheme fails.
  4. Start smoking and then quit, just so I can show smokers that it isn't so hard and that they just lack moral turpitude.  "But nicotine is the most addictive substance known to man."  No it isn't.  Calories are addictive.  Alcohol is addictive.  Jerking off is addictive.  Smoking is just a bad habit.    
  5. Stop mocking smokers.
  6. Stop wearing underpants.  It's a waste of laundry.  Also, throw way all my zipper-fly jeans.  
  7. Whenever something annoying happens, repeat the following to myself:  "This is not a conspiracy against me; it's just that either the thing is a piece of crap, or the person is an imbecile."  Breath deeply and count to 10.
  8. Resist the urge to give the "thank-you wave" to everybody on the road.  You're supposed to be courteous.  So they let me in the turning lane.  Big deal.  It's not like they paid off my student loans or something.  Thanks for nothing, fellow motorist.  
  9. Make those sarcastic, invisible air-quotes with my fingers when I'm speaking with dishonest people.  Nothing is more humiliating that being air-quoted and these fuckers need to pay a price in shame.  Plus it's funny. 
  10. Write a thank-you note to Barack Obama for fixing the economy like he promised.  And also for getting us out of Iraq.  
  11. Stop organizing betting pools on the date celebrities get divorced.  Even though I'm making good money, I fear I'm becoming too cynical.  
  12. Find a hobby that doesn't involve drinking.
  13. Stop fantasizing about being a rock star, a race car driver or an astronaut.  It looks like those dreams gave me the slip.  Keep fingers crossed for exciting opportunity in the food services industry or waste management. 
  14. Buy telescope; discover my own planet.  Name it Myanus. 
  15. Take a scrapbooking class.


Gucci Mama said...

Astonishingly, I didn't see "become as amazingly fabulous as the illustrious Gucci" anywhere on this list. I realize it seems unattainable, and it may be, but shoot for the stars, Sweets.

Shabbygalsnest said...

Yes definitely get rid of zipper pants if do away with undies! Something about mary popped in my head!I really need to add stop drinking as a hobby to deal with stepkids. LMAO scrapbooking class! Traci

Anonymous said...

I never make resolutions, I suck at keeping promises to myself.

I quit smoking 12 years ago and I'm serious when I tell you it was the hardest thing ever. And I've had two babies come out of my cooch without drugs.

WendyB said...

I "love" this list.

Sassy Sassy said...

So you'll be free-ballin' it?! But won't that mess up some perfectly good pants? :o(

Impulsive Addict said...

How can this post be disturbing and funny at the same time?

I guess you didn't fix your email. I'm not a patient person, LB.

When you find out how to conquer #12, please pass along the secret. Kthanks.

Anonymous said...

*7 I feel ya. Some days i want to make an napolean aht out of newspaper and wage war.

Baloney said...

Please, please, please make #10 your next post. I'm looking forward to it.
LOVED your list but don't give up the wave. Someone on the road needs to be polite, might as well be you.
Happy New Year!

Sandra said...

OMG I am laughing out loud...and everybody in the house is sleeping so I need to shut up!
But you are hilarious! Love your sense of humour and your quick wit!
As for the name of your planet, well, come on, it's perfect! Because mybutthole certainly doesn't have the same ring as myanus!

Anonymous said...

I have to stop watching "The Maury Show" with grandma and make bets on who is or isn't the baby's daddy. I've lost 3-1 already :(

Anonymous said...

#1: I'm always putting food in my mouth for the sole reason because it's empty. Maybe I should make this resolution as well.

#6: Bold move. I like it.

#14: Hil-arious!

Kelley said...

This really, really, really made me laugh out loud. I loved the air quotes, the starting and stopping smoking plan...all of it. You are hilarious!

Denise said...

Why is t that Myanus seems like the best idea ever? And I feel like finger quotes are going out of style with the implement of texting/emailing everyone. Finger quotes are a good idea; I need to use them more often.

KittyCat said...

Great list, especially LOVE no. 6

I guess I better get on a listm myself.

Hmmmmmmmmm, what to change?

Mrs4444 said...

I can't decide whether to thank you or chastise you--You're so funny! (I tweeted a link to your post.)

My husband waves to everyone as we drive through the neighborhood. Me? I just smile and don't feel obligated to wave. Guess I'm just lazy that way.

MinorityReport said...

Great list. :)
Happy New Year.

Dawn said...

Of course, as always, you have me laughing out loud. I even had to read a few to my husband.

Deborah said...

Now, because of Sassy sassy, I have Free Ballin' stuck in my head. Thank you very much.

Get on that diet book will ya? Because #1 won't work for me.


Evil Twin's Wife said...

Seems like you've given it some good thought. I'm lucky if I can even come up with one resolution. Usually, I just think: "Ahhh, forget it." :-)

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

I love these! Especially #14. You would be the hero of all fourth-grade boys in science classes everywhere.

Paige said...

yes to #14 all that way yo!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

You are absolutely hysterical. I love all of these! And I can relate to many, of course. Like the food one (you are SO right about calories being addictive...smokers are just lazy, ugh). And when you write your dieting book, I will be the first one to buy it. But...could you get me tickets to your Oprah guest appearance? I heard she gives free stuff on the show. Thanks. ;)