12/21/2010

Next time, at least buy me dinner

I realized something.  Everybody is trying to slip their hands up my financial skirt.  It's no longer sufficient to be financially prudent.  You have to ward off the financial peeping toms, ass-grabbers and serial rapists, too.  In high school, you take sex-ed to learn about the pitfalls of sex.  You should have to take finance-ed, also, to inform future consumers about the tactics of financial predators.  The crooks are everywhere.

Example: whenever you enter into contract, half a dozen fees find their way into the monthly bill.  You didn't agree to them.  They just showed up.  It reminds me of my college days when by way of brandishing a bottle of Ten High, 8 guests I didn't recognize jammed paper cups in my face.  Beat it, free loaders.  Go beer-run a case of Keystone; earn your buzz.  Contractors all want their turn fucking you.  I refinanced my house last year and I felt like the girl who drank herself unconscious at a frat party.  Everybody took a turn while the getting was good.  By the time I came to, the damage had been done.  I had 17 distinct DNA specimens on my person.  Why am I paying a guy 500 bucks to rubber stamp my title?  And when did Xerox fees start going for 30 bucks?  I tell you what, Mr. Banker.  Give me the papers.  I'll run to Kinkos and do it myself for 48 cents.  I'll even throw in a photocopy of my ass that you're welcome to kiss.

Recently my wife's cell phone went through the washing machine.  I bought a new phone on eBay for cheap, but Verizon charged me 15 bucks to transfer the data (contacts and ringtones) from the old phone to the new one.  One would think if the memory chip survived the spin cycle, the rest of the phone's innards would, too.  Conspiracy, I say!  They know your phone will drop into a body of water eventually.  Why not make just the memory chip water-tight so we can make another 15 bucks when you sit on the crapper at the Xmas party and dunk your phone, Captain Egg Nog?  Basically I spent 15 bucks so my wife could salvage the 172 pictures of my junk that I sent to her cell phone.  Those are replaceable.

Home repairs are another racket.  Have you ever replaced your garage door spring?  I've replaced 2 in the last decade at 400 dollars apiece.  Four hundred dollars for what amounts to a high-tension Slinky.  I could have saved 396 dollars by going to Toys-R-Us.  

Retail stores are in on the racket, too.  Why does every checkout line end with "Would you like donate a dollar to [insert charity here]?"  This happened to me at Target yesterday.  Lady, I just used a credit card to finance my kid's Trapper Keeper.  Do you really think I can afford to donate a dollar to fight prostate cancer?  If you're so worried about it, why don't you jam a finger up me right here and make sure I'm OK?  

When did we start tipping for take-out food?  Have you noticed the tip jars and debit card receipts asking for tips?  What am I tipping you for, exactly?  You're the human interface cable between me and the cash register.  Here's a tip: go to college!  Do you really expect to get the same tip as the person refilling my drinks, serving my food, corralling my obnoxious child, explaining the specials of the day and fake-laughing at my obnoxious, margarita-fueled jokes?  If you want a tip, pull a pair of shiny orange shorts over your fat ass and grab me a complimentary bread basket.  One day I'm going to have to tip my airline pilot.  Here's a five-spot, Captain.  Keep us above the horizon!  

Two dollars for ATM service?  I have a better idea.  How about you credit my account 2 dollars for not affixing my chewed gum to the deposit envelop, scumbag?  Try to remember I'm your customer and I already keep all my money in your building.  I don't charge my kid 2 bucks every time she raids my wallet for Twilight tickets.  I do it for free because Bella is the only role model young girls have who isn't naked and hanging from the chandelier by the second act.  Twilight may be corny.  But at least the message to pubescent girls isn't to fuck every dude with a Trans Am and a barbed wire tattoo.

When did restaurants start getting $2.39 for a soda?  Unless they're adding a shot of whiskey, this is too much.  I can get a Circle-K 64oz. pants-wetter for 89 cents.  Restaurant sodas should cost a buck.  It's a soda, not an appetizer.  And speaking of drinks, alcoholic beverages are approaching -- and often exceed -- the ten-dollar mark.  Does anybody else note the irony that you can't afford to drink the agony of the recession away at the bar?  They charge the same for a drink as the entire bottle of booze.  That's like a hooker charging as much as the divorce lawyer.

Anyway, I wish all of you luck protecting yourself from the financial predators this Christmas season.  And in case we don't talk again before it passes....

Merry Christmas!

27 comments:

Budd said...

Amen!

I have to pay the cable company extra for an HD box. There is free over the air HD broadcast and all network shows are filmed in HD, so I have to pay in order for my signal not to get downgraded in my home.

heartinhand said...

Soon we'll all be keeping our money in our mattresses like our grandparents used to.

You know that Bella bangs Edward eventually and has his baby, don't you? And that he glitters in the sun? If my daughter brought home something that sparkly, I'd have a problem.

Merry Christmas to you too!

Chapter Two said...

I wish I could reply to your comments- I like to email my comments. but you have it set up as a 'no reply'.... hmmmmm

6 Happy Hearts said...

You left out the ice cream man.
Since when did we have to pay annoying child predators w/loud speakers who play awful tunes over & over $10 for a push pop we can get at inflated super stores 100 for $10?!

Jeannie said...

Kills me. Everyone seems to have the right to stick their hand in your wallet but if you ask for a little more yourself, they laugh at you.

Impulsive Addict said...

Very good points, LB.

I have had to start drinking at home (unless I'm at an open-bar party) because I refuse to pay $12.99 for a large margarita. It's ridiculous.

I'm waiting for the day that the banks start charging us for using the drive-up service or for making a deposit. Don't laugh...I promise you, it will happen!

Baloney said...

Ahhh, the tip jar. My biggest pet peeve these days. Why in the heck am I going to tip you for ringing up my sale? I wonder when McDonald's will add tip jars.

Impulsive Addict said...

Dear LB,
Let's enable your email so we can respond to your comments on our blog. I'll even help you if need be. Kthanks!
To answer your questions, I blame my husband for no tree for 8 years. It's all his fault. And my name came about because I'm extremely impulsive (I want it so I get it but end up regretting most of the time) and I'm an addict to lots of things; shoes, alcohol, reality tv, chocolate and the list goes on. Impulsive Addict. How did YOUR name come about? It's one of a kind!

Deborah said...

I am generally left commentless because everything I think to say sounds ridiculous cuz you're so funny!

Jeez-louize I agree with all of this. I rant and rave constantly about all of this. Especially the tipping. Good grief - the coffee shop drives me crazy.

And the bell-ringers outside of the grocery store. I've given and given, yet the one time I don't have cash I get some mean-muggin' from the dude shakin' that damn bell. Pooey.

Heff said...

I've heard so many "garage door horror stories" that I decided on keeping a "manual" door. Problem solved.

I tend to forget that you're an HBAG newbie. If you want to see HEFF jam, click "BUTLIK" or "Metal Monday" on the LABEL SECTION on the lower left side of my blog. There's literally HOURS of it.

Merry Christmas, man !

Impulsive Addict said...

Ok LB, I am here to help! When you're on your blog, click on DESIGN in the top right corner. You may have to sign in first. Next click on the SETTINGS tab and then the COMMENTS tab. Scroll down to where it says "comment notification email" and enter your email there. I think that should fix it!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Truer words have never been spoken! I hate these predators.I'm not a lawyer, but I play one on the phone. I will call and ream companies until they see things MY way. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, but I figure I've saved quite a bit over the years...:-)

Gucci Mama said...

This is why I keep my riches (in the form of pretty little gold coins) in a special room in my basement. Also, I like to dive into them and swim around every morning Scrooge McDuck style. I recommend it.

JUST ME said...

I recently opened an account at Chase. I wanted to murder the account manager, and then murder him again when he told me about the fees.

Those people are worse than used car salesmen. At least this Chase guy was. Annoying and shady.

Like his second job was selling drugs to toddlers.

Peter said...

Good old land of OZ... no tipping!!!
Hope you have a great Christmas LB.

thoughtsappear said...

I always laugh the whole way through your posts! (Just to be clear, I'm not laughing at the hands going up your financial skirt).

I hate the tip jars everywhere. Since when does everyone get tipped for doing their job? Give me extra whipped cream on my hot chocolate and I'll give you a tip. Taking your sweet time making my hot chocolate and handing it to me cold = no tip.

Jess said...

About those photos of your junk... feel free to share! ;-)

Denise said...

I was charged a $2 atm fee once and then another $3 from my own bank. To get twenty bucky I paid five. I was so pissed. never using a non my bank atm again...

Heff said...

As I'm now going on Hiatus, Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, BUTT.

Shabbygalsnest said...

We may have to put our money in coffee cans and bury it in the back yard! Merry Christmas! I hope I made it clear about the stuff on the table cause I don't want to have to hurt anyone! Traci

Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional said...

Cracking up...so true!
I'm your newest follower, because I'm suddenly seeing you on all my favorite blogs and I like your name.
I'm easy like that.

Bennet said...

Funny As always.

I had this conversation the other day about how we're paying more for less food. It is getting to the point where the container's nitrogen oxide contains more volume, & nutritional value than the product.
At this rate food will float in the NOS cloud within the container. Pringles will have to change its slogan from:"You can't eat just one" to "You can, it you can find it."

Jennifer Fabulous said...

This post is the story of my life. I've been robbed blind the past year from all sorts of corporations. And omg, I can totally relate to the charity thing. Except my annoyance is my university's alumni organization constantly calling me for donations. I keep telling them to take me off their list because I'm UNEMPLOYED but they keep calling. Next time they call, I'm going to tell them they OWE me money because I'm an alumni who can't find a f*cking job with this useless degree from that stupid university. :(

Oh well. Bitterness aside, I really do hope you have a great Christmas. :)

Philosophia said...

Lol, you're too funny. I think I might need to see a pic of you in this skirt, with all of these ass-grabbers. ;)

Agreed, those evil corps are bleeding us dry, financially. We talked about this in a university class about "EVIL", you might have quite enjoyed it.

All financial perils aside, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays! :)

SQT said...

Merry Christmas LBB. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Jake said...

Lol, nice, nice blog post LB, and happy holidays. :)

Mrs4444 said...

LOL! Our garage spring broke recently, and my husband and his friend set out to put the new spring on themselves. Apparently that is some dangerous stuff, because the guy he talked to about it asked, "Are you sure you know what you're doing? You know you could kill yourself, right?" Thankfully, he is here to tell the tale.

Sometimes (because I'm a Diet Coke addict) I bring my own soda into restaurants. So far, no one has told me, "I'm sorry; you'll have to pour that out." Guess I should prepare for that possibility, though.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, you goofball. I'm glad we've met :)