Service with a smile
I want to revolutionize the customer service industry. Right now, it's dreadful. But I can fix that. My idea would improve efficiency and performance by maximizing job satisfaction. Everybody wins. How do you maximize job satisfaction in an industry whose purpose is dealing with people who tend to suck? I'm glad you asked. Customer service jobs need to assign tasks to its employees by way of an auction. Use a bidding system!
Here's how it works. The customers have a seat in a lobby which the employees can view through one-way glass. After surveying the herd, employees bid on the customers just as they would other livestock. For example, if you're a waiter, your experienced eyes could spot a WalMart- shopping no-tipper by his polyester pants and Lynyrd Skynyrd tee shirt. Your employer would bid the job to the wait staff, where the lowest bidder would seat the lowlife guest and serve him his grilled cheese, fries and malt liquor. Sure, you're going to get stiffed, but you bid an acceptable price to wait on the guy up front.
Those of you in service jobs already see how wonderful this system is. You can eyeball somebody and size them up in milliseconds. Contrary to political correctness doctrine, you can judge someone by their appearance. It stands to reason. Remember, the clothing people wear, the way they do their hair, jewelry, tattoos, complexion, gestures and mannerisms -- these aren't random events that just happened to people. They're choices. And what is character but the sum of the choices we make? When you look at somebody, you see how they choose to present themselves to the world. And that tells you quite a bit about their character. Fat people are lazy, yo. And if you have 19 visible piercings and a comic book's worth of artwork tattooed on your arms and neck, then guess what: you crave attention. That's what that says about you. Also, if you color-tip your hair, you're wicked queer. And any Tap Out logos tip people off that you're a douche bag.
Let's return to bidding auctions for service jobs. This time, let's take healthcare as an example. Every healthcare practitioner knows that some patients are less desirable than others. So, the more fat, gross, old and disgusting patients drive the bidding higher until the practitioner holds his nose and takes the plunge. "Alright, I'll go 150 on the 72 year-old blimp in the wheelchair with acute hemorrhoids and a bowel obstruction." Going once, going twice... sold to the nurse in the teal scrubs. Imagine healthcare workers choosing whom to care for instead of falling victim to whatever piece of garbage comes through the door. Before, you were shackled to a duty of care. Now, every patient becomes a choice and every service he requires is a fee you negotiated. Free will, free enterprise and the freedom to control your workplace experience -- that's a winning combination. Maybe then half of nurses in America wouldn't be contemplating hari kari 4 times per shift.
Phone service jobs could bid from their cubicals. Wouldn't it be nice to hold out for top dollar on a drunk native American customer who's currently on hold, waiting to buy car insurance? He just bought a 30 thousand dollar Ram truck, but he has no checking account and lives in a tipi whose address is "30 paces down river from Old Coyote Rock." Or a computer technician who can bid on a 74 year-old grandmother whose kids thought it would be a great idea to get Gam-Gam online for email and pictures of the family, and now the same lady who never figured out how to program a VCR is trying to format a POP3 email account to her ISP server. "What is this blue "E" thingamabob for?" Shit, I'd bid just to be able to listen in on that call (why is so damn funny to watch your coworkers dealing with infuriating customers?).
The point is, customers suck. And the people in service jobs know it. They approach their work with a sense of drudgery, and the result is second-rate service. Installing an employee-to-customer bidding system invokes the spirit of free enterprise and unleashes the power of competition. Now, the customers aren't dolts, cheapskates and perverts. They're projects. The employee won the bid and the opportunity to do the job. So he's happy. The employer knows he contracted the job at the lowest market price. So he's happy, too. And as long as the bidding remains confidential, the customer feels like royalty. Everybody wins!