12/02/2010

Thoughtprints

  • I saw a commercial saying I can save a kid's life for "less than a cup of coffee per day."  So I cut out the middleman and started shipping a 30-case of Folgers Crystals to the kid every month.  The commercial said he'd write me letters and whatnot.  Finally the kid writes me and the card says, Do you know how hard it is to find cream and sugar in Ethiopia, asshole?
  • Have you used Window's "safe mode?"  Nothing safe about Windows.  Having unprotected sex with the Octomom is safer than Windows.  Going down on Courtney Love while you have a canker sore is safer than Windows.  Sharing a hotel room with Charley Sheen is safer than Windows. 
  • I went shopping in a Guess clothing store.  I saw my reflection in the mirror.  Then I bought a 20 dollar hat.  Actually, the hat cost 40 dollars, but it was worth at least 20 just that nobody would see my train wreck of a hairdo for the rest of the day.
  • How does the new trend of "skinny jeans" sell when all our kids are little tubbos?  The only skinny kids left are those Olsen twins and they share each other's pants.
  • My dog knows when I'm drinking.  He never begs for food when I'm sober because there's no point.  I won't budge.  But when I'm drinking, we usually go in halves on a pizza.  Sometimes, if I really hit the bottle, I'll have him accept delivery.  Make sure he doesn't stiff us on the garlic bread this time.  And don't tip so damn much.  It's 10-percent for delivery, Maxwell.  I stay sober long enough to order the pizza.  Otherwise I wind up with half pepperoni, half kibble.
  • When I was in high school, a Carmex craze hit.  Kids were caking Carmex on their lips every 20 minutes.  It looked like they were giving fellatio to a candlestick.
  • I drove through a construction site and there was only one guy working.  One guy.  The recession, I guess.  I felt so bad for him.  He was trying to drink 17 cups of coffee all at once.
  • In the news today, a white man carried out 6 robberies while disguised as a black man.  Police were tipped off when security footage showed him failing to jump over a janitor bucket on his way out the door and face-planted the sidewalk.

23 comments:

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Another hilarious post. :) God knows I needed a good laugh today!

KittyCat said...

Your too freakin comical.

Love it!

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

My first favorite: " Going down on Courtney Love while you have a canker sore is safer than Windows."

My second favorite and HILARIOUS line: "My dog knows when I'm drinking. He never begs for food when I'm sober because there's no point. I won't budge. But when I'm drinking, we usually go in halves on a pizza. Sometimes, if I really hit the bottle, I'll have him accept delivery."

But the best might just be the Carmex one. Too good.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Carmex - gross! Glad I was too old when that fad came around!

JUST ME said...

I *tried* to go on a Carmex kick, but that shit smells like a hospital and tastes even worse.

I need chapstick I can EAT, you know what I mean?

Impulsive Addict said...

*Nobody should ever be forced to drink coffee.
*Get a MAC. They come with a built-in condom.
*Next time shave your head. It will be way cheaper
*I want to buy your dog.
*You said FELLATIO! Bwahahahaha!
*Again, nobody should have to drink coffee. Give him a drink outta your flask.
*White men can't jump. Ever. It's really sad isn't it?

SQT said...

They really are poor in Ethiopia aren't they? I mean, no caramel latte mix and whatnot? Heathens.

And skinny jeans... All the really do is intensify the muffin-tops on the kids trying to squeeze into them. There's so much shaking going on you might as well call them Jello Jigglers.

Mrs4444 said...

I agree abut the Carmex-I can't believe I used to be addicted to that awful stuff! I put some on the other day and had to wipe it off, it was so nasty-tasting.

Seriously, that first bit is brilliant! (Is that your own stuff?) Just brilliant :)

I suppose the skinny jeans are a lot like the mid-drift-baring shirts; some kids will (sadly) wear anything!

Have a great weekend.

Deborah said...

The paramedics are going to find me, panting and frothing, sprawled on the floor and all I'll be able to say is, "but I use Cherry Chapstick"!

Penny Lane said...

This post actually made me lol, like in real life. I am not just typing it because it seems appropriate in the virtual world.

Thank you for that!

Going down on Courtney Love with a canker sore is probably safer than Windows, but not by much. Hmm, this hs me thinking. I am also really glad I have a Mac.

I hate Guess, I just don't understand it's purpose, but I am sure the hat looks fly.

applepie said...

interesting post:p haha

Peter said...

Another set of thought prints that are as thought provoking as usual.

Chapter Two said...

Carmex *shudder*

heartinhand said...

Tell me you saw the video of Conan wearing Jeggings. Seriously, that shit is cutting edge. Jeggings. Jean/leggings. It's something to behold.

Philosophia said...

Lol! All of these are hilarious! I love the first coffee one, the carmex, and the white dude pretending to be a black dude one. But I must admit, I am guilty of being an avid Guess shopper. Yay for awesome guess hats ;p

Paige said...

muahaha hilarious...but please tell me how i cant find a decent pair of skinny jeans and ever other fatty out there can?!?1 what the fuck?

Paige said...

also thanks for the blog roll love yo!

thoughtsappear said...

"We usually go halves on pizza."--I love this line!

Sandra said...

You're quite brilliant...in case you didn't already know..

Mona said...

Tell them to start saving kids' life with half a cigarette next time. There is no sugar and cream string attached with that one.

Guess clothes store made you guess that you needed a hat...hmmmm

send them skinny jeans to India. They have a large potential market here!

Now, you have reminded me of In and Out burger, that my sister's cat would relish. And i guess I will have to do with only a cheese cube right now. That is the only thing I have in the fridge!

Poor white black man...

Jess said...

Hysterical! I'm not sure which made me laugh harder, "Do you know how hard it is to find cream and sugar in Ethiopia, asshole?" or the image of a half-kibble pizza. :)

Dawn said...

LOL! I'm crying- I'm laughing so hard.

Real Housewives of Oklahoma said...

A black man could make that jump over the janitor's bucket ANYDAY!

I'm cracking up over the Carmex craze...your school too?! I saved all of my Carmex empty containers. I had like 50 at one time. That was back in 1995. I was a lot more stupid then.

The drunk pizza eating w/ Maxwell is hilarious.

Thanks for my laughs this morning. I feel like I should leave a tip or something.

Mrs. Edwards (also JennyKate from www.jennykate77.blogspot.com)