12/10/2010

Thoughtprints

  • Society is turning queer.  Twenty-five years ago, I watched a show called the A-Team.  It was about four fugitives who drove around in a bad-ass black van looking for an excuse to blow shit up.  Now my wife and kid clog my DVR full of Glee episodes. Glee?  If I want to watch kids running around campus singing and dancing, I'll watch my Girls Gone Wild videos.
  • Some birds navigate via mapping the stars relative to the earth's axis.  If birds are that smart, why go to all that trouble?   Can't they just dive-bomb on a popcorn ball in a Chuck E. Cheese parking lot?  Look birds, you're flying like 12,000 miles in hopes of finding some grubs and meal worms where you land.  You didn't see a Howard Johnson's along the way?  And if you're heading there to mate, just go fuck in the park like the high school kids do.  
  • The people who want us to switch to fluorescent bulbs are the same people who want us to plug a station wagon into our garage outlets.  How about I continue to drive my current car and just turn up the A/C, refrigerator, my oven and a blow drier?  Let them all duke it out.
  • People get angry when a slow driver is using his cell phone.  People are caring too much by half.  Check yo-self, hata!  I see an absentminded driver on his cell phone, I cut him slack.  Think about it.  It's not the cell phone.  It's his driving that's ruining your day.  But if I have a good reason why he's going 30 in the left lane, I calm down.  Oh, he's texting?  That's cool.  Probably just brokering a booty call or scoring a dime bag.  You know who I despise?  The guy driving that slow with no excuse.  Hands on the wheel, eyes on the road, dick in his pants -- just a dipshit in his Buick Skylark doing 30 miles per hour and believing he still has the right to live in my universe.
  • We've become so obsessed with fairness that we won't be happy until it's equally unfair for everybody, which is only fair.
  • Some kids burn ants with a magnifying glass.  I use a telescope, only I turn it backwards and freeze them to death.  It seems more humane. 
  • They shouldn't call them political "parties."  They're more like political gangs.  They're going all Turbo and Ozone and shit.  Wouldn't Obama make a good Ozone?  No, YOU'RE the racist because you thought, "because they're both black, right?"  Wrong!  I mean because they're both good dancers.  You need to examine yourself and purge your hidden racism!
  • Digital watches have created complete dependence.  I literally cannot remember today's date -- ever.  I mastered this task when I was a kid.  I always knew the date.  But now I need my watch.  Same with porn.  Since it's gone digital, I can't remember what naked girls look like on my own.  I have to keep a window of porn constantly running in the background so I'll remember to bang my wife.
  • People tell me I need to work on my anger issues.  I already do!  I work on them by drinking until I laugh at the things that were pissing me off when I was sober.  Mission accomplished.  They should make a whiskey called "Anger Management."  Distilled and bottled with pride in Bourbon, Kentucky.

16 comments:

Jeannie said...

You do seem a little grumpy today.

But you're still funny.

Philosophia said...

Lol, you make me laugh every single time. I'm with you on the watch thing - I can never seem to keep track of the day and time without it anymore. Haha, although digital porn has a plus, you don't hafta pay, like you had to for those playboy magazines, but i wouldn't know, i was probably in diapers during that era. And on the bright side, it helps you to remember to bang your wife. :)

And I agree completely - they need to make a whiskey called "Anger Management". :)

SQT said...

You can never have too many explosions on screen. Glee would be so much better if, instead of singing and dancing (or whatever the hell they do), they had a dancing death race. You know, they dance around stage and try to grab various weapons and off the other team with, like, flame throwers and RPG's. Live! I'd totally watch that.

Sandra said...

I'm sorry...I couldn't get passed the part where you dissed Glee. I just spent four hours watching DVDs from the first season.
I think Glee would help with you anger issues :P

Baloney said...

That fairness bit is scarily true. We are all entitled, aren't we?

Denise said...

I would drink "Anger Management". It sounds Delicious.

Deborah said...

Have you SEEN Obama dance? Not pretty.

Holy crapinoli you make me laugh.

Are you writing a book? Because I want to get on the pre-order list.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Hilarious. Omg. Every freaking time!

I couldn't agree with you more about Glee. Omg. What happened to cool tv shows?!

And I laughed hysterically during the cell phone one. :P

Oh, and this quote: "We've become so obsessed with fairness that we won't be happy until it's equally unfair for everybody, which is only fair." So. Fucking. True. It's the smartest thing I've heard/read anyone state in a LONG time.

heartinhand said...

Ah, don't bet on it. I've watched every Glee episode twice and downloaded all the music and I still have anger issues. I blame perimenopause for mine, but your Whiskey idea is wicked awesome!

I stopped wearing a watch when I read an article in a women's magazine which said watches age you. All the "kids" use cell phones now to check the time, and you know what a sheep I am!

HulaBuns said...

My favorite is the bird one, whenever the term "dive bomb" is used I'm a big fan. In fact, I think we should all have to work it into every conversation. I'm a new follower, looking forward to reading regularly. Thanks for the follow back.

Penny Lane said...

I love your thoughtprints, they are truly entertaining and make a lot of sense.

Gangs is much better than parties, much better.

I refuse to buy a digital watch because I fear I will forget how to tell time. Is that sad? I have forgotten everything else.

( Also I's jut like to point out that you have 69 followers at this moment. I just thought someone should point that out, so why not me ?... I would be the one to point it out. )

6 Happy Hearts said...

Oh my. Is this the dark side of LBB?
You're weird angry. Although I do agree w/a few points...
fairness, purging hidden racism, Gay Glee ...
I'll race you to trademark Anger Management Bourbon. Ready, Set, GO!!!

Mona said...

Really? Your girls went wild? Wild cats are dangerous

I can't imaging kids fucking in a snow filled park...

yea, and let us also save some 'light' from the bug's butt!

On the contrary, only those who drive slow have a right to live in the universe. ( I would say that after my recent accident)

In India, there is only one fairness that they are obsessed with. The 'fairness cream' ( Skin whitening)

Burning or freezing...did not Shakespeare speak of both kind of hell in his famous speech in measure for measure? (Ay,but to die and to go we know not where...)

yea, the slip of the mind is the fall of the tongue ;)

Simple. Tell your wife to walk around naked in the house from now on..

But it is already a sober management remedy isn't it? Its the seriousness which is a disease. Anger is a sin , you need a bible for that I guess...

KittyCat said...

Are you having a bad day? Sorry if you are, but even so I still find you very funny and witty.

Sorry that I am being entertained by your bad day.
: (

tornwordo said...

Glee! We gonna clog up your comments with that shit too : )

I would buy a whiskey called Anger Management.

Real Housewives of Oklahoma said...

I'm with my fellow RHOK blogger, Happy Hearts. I think this is LBB's darker side and I kinda like it strictly for entertainment purposes only of course.

I'm always looking forward to the next post!

Impulsive Addict
Posting today as Mrs. Coco