• It's embarrassing when you jack up a word spelling so badly that your spell-checker doesn't even know what word to suggest.  I right-clicked on a word once and my spell checker flashed the message: "Even if I did know what word you wanted, chances are you don't know what the hell it means, anyway."
  • I want to market an Irish Wristwatch.  It just has various bottles of hooch for all the hours, and the letters "FU" for 2 A.M., last call.
  • I was at Whataburger reading for 2 hours today.  I was working the all-you-can-drink soda bar the entire time.  Before I left, I had to visit the men's room. The men's room had one stall and one urinal.  Evidently, some handicap guy was using the stall -- because he parked his motorized wheelchair in front of the urinal.  I couldn't go.  I had to hold it the entire drive home.  I don't want to come off bitter or callous, but this handicap guy has balls.  For the last 23 years I've been passing over premium parking spaces for him.  The least he can do is park his wheelchair away from the pisser.  I had half a mind to whiz on the control panel and short out the brakes.
  • Any medicine can be "maximum strength" if you're willing to take a few extra pills.  Once time, in a pinch, I took 22 baby aspirin for a pulled groin muscle.  Worked like magic, although I did crawl around, soil myself and suck my thumb for the next 14 hours.
  • In the headlines today, "Woman saves dog by giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."  Later the paper issued a correction.  It turns out it was just Rosie making out with her girlfriend.
  • I drink so much damn soda that I decided to rename my penis "Dr. Pepper."
  • Candy canes are cute and sentimental.  But why hasn't somebody invented the candy crutch?  If we're going to mock the maim around Christmastime, let's do it in style.
  • Now that the earth has been boasting record low temps every winter, the climate change crowd has contrived a jet stream disturbance theory to augment the global warming claim.  Come on, guys.  Say what you really mean: America is too prosperous and it needs to kick some hush money around.  Global warming advocates remind me of that congressman who got caught being gay in a bathroom stall and claimed he was just trying to borrow some toilet paper!
  • The Color Purple isn't just a movie.  It's what you see everywhere when you search the Playboy Mansion with a blacklight.   


Jeannie said...


Deborah said...

Spell checker! I have this same problem!

and . . . the baby aspirin thing nearly made ME soil myself.

Good stuff maynard. How are you so funny? Let me peek in that brain.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Hee hee. I like to piss people off with the "global warming is a hoax" talk, too. They get really defensive!

Gucci Mama said...

Whataburger is a real place?

Jennifer Fabulous said...

You always give me a laugh when I need one!

I'm sorry I've been away your past few posts, but this week I was either extremely drunk or extremely hungover. So now just getting back into reading my favorite blogs. :P

PS. Happy New Year!

Penny Lane said...

First i need to tell you that I look forward to you thought prints. They actually entertain me heavily and I appreciate that!

You know how many times I right click on a word and it says " no spelling suggestions found" ... It happens a lot of times. And i find myself thinking, um hello you are a computer, if you are going to replace humans shouldn't you know what the hell I am trying to say ?

Sassy Sassy said...

You made me choke on my breakfast with your Rosie punchline! I could've died!!! Your blog is dangerous. :o(

heartinhand said...

It was -28C here yesterday. Only -18C here today. Bring on the global warming, I say. Mind you, I live inland...sorry you beach dwellers.

I OD'ed on Baby Aspirin when I was a kid. It's a wonder I don't have Reye's Syndrome. Whatever.

I love that you got pwned by a handicapped person! I'm a sadist.

Mrs4444 said...

Ouch-Poor Rosie...

Happy New Year! :)

jennykate77 said...

I think that Irish Wristwatch would be a hit.

You were cracking me up w/ the handicap man parked in front of the urinal biznass.

Happy New Year! Have a fun and safe one!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

To answer your question, I was a newspaper reporter for four years but got laid off January 2010. It was a major blow. :(

I've been trying to find another journalism job. Until then, I've just been freelancing!!

Happy New Year!

Kelley said...

What a bunch of great thoughts! My favorite was the wheelchair guy and use of the words "the climate change crowd". Ha! I live in Texas where I live, it's almost 80 degrees. Seriously. Don't tell Al Gore.

Sandra said...

OMG you are brilliant! These "thoughts" are not only hilarious, but they are so intelligent. Come on, how many people's minds go to those places...if we're going to mock the maim in correlation with a candy CANE...brilliance, pure brilliance!

Impulsive Addict said...

Reading at Whataburger? Interesting. I don't see you enjoying such an establishment but I totally get the all-you-can-drink soda bar. Don't you wish Chili's had an all-you-can drink alcohol bar? Maybe you should invent that instead of the Irish wristwatch. I would totally help you with the finances. I could spot you about $235.

Rosie is gross.

If I ever visit the playboy mansion, you couldn't pay me to sit on or touch much of anything. I was a big fan of Girls Next Door. I saw things on that show that disturbed me.

Memphis Steve said...

OK, the one about Rosie O'Donnell had me cracking up the most of all. I'd steal it if I could remember a joke for more than 5 seconds after I've just read it. What were we talking about?

CB said...

Um WIN... With a title like 'Lightning Bugs Butt' how can you possibly go WRONG????

Loving it!

Peter said...

I'm pleased to read that you have the same spell checker that I do.... I was beginning to think I had the only copy.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

My favorite: "Candy canes are cute and sentimental. But why hasn't somebody invented the candy crutch? If we're going to mock the maim around Christmastime, let's do it in style."

thoughtsappear said...

I'd like to go ahead and preorder 2 Irish Wristwatches.

Philosophia said...

LOL. I have the same word-maker-upper ;p issue with spell-check; I also have this really bad habit where I come across a new word, I have to constantly use it in every sentence, regardless of whether it fits.

I'd buy this wrist watch, just so I can set an alarm and flash it to people every time it turns 2. Won't need that foam finger anymore, will you? ;)

Too bad you didn't tape your aspirin overdose for us, that would be quite entertaining, although, sadly enough varying levels of tiredness have the exact same effect on me.

Ugh, candy canes - am I the only one who feels they are rocks that taste like nothing? it's only that physical appeal - pretty red white cane. :)