1/25/2011

God, Karma and Jerk-off-itude.

On God and Karma

I don't believe in karma. I believe in the laws of statistics and probability.

To wit, I don't believe an invisible spirit sits on your shoulder and logs good and bad deeds into a ledger, and then conjures whatever vicissitudes necessary to balance the account. Nor do I believe a supreme being watches from the heveans, rewarding kindness and punishing evil. These are beautiful ideas and I wish they were true. But faith in karma doesn't withstand empiracle testing.

Jerkoffs as Empiracle Proof

Note all the consummate a-holes roaming this planet relatively unscathed. For example, do you have a boss? Is he a jerkoff? Is he being punished? Of course not. At the very least -- he gets to be the boss. If only a little karma existed in this world, most bosses would magically turn into restroom attendents at the local full-nude strip bar. There's the proof that karma doesn't exist: jerkoffs inheret the wind.

But as I wrote, I do believe in statistics. So I believe that if you make a habit of being a jerkoff and pissing in the public punchbowl every chance you get, eventually the odds will catch up to you. Take solace in this. Only a jerkoff believes he can beat the odds forever. But the odds eventaully play out. That's how life evens the score. Statistical probabilities aren't always reliable and they're not always fair. But sometimes the toast does fall butter-side up. Sometimes the lane I'm driving in does move a little faster. Once or twice in your life there is a cop around when you need one. And rest assured, the jerkoff with the chaw, naked-lady mudflaps, and the "No Fear" tee shirt who cut you off in traffic is going to get his pencil dick caught in his zipper. Or he will wrap his truck around a telephone pole and not manage to hurt or mame innocent bystanders. It's a beautiful thing.

Theory

We see somebody get their comeuppance and conclude karma evened the score.  The ancient Greeks went so far as to contrive a god, Nemises, whose purpose was to take a divine dump on the jerk who had things too good for too long. That notion survies today in people who rely on karma to make things right. Well, they're wrong. A comeuppance isn't magic. It isn't divine intervention. It happens when one jerkoff crosses the path of an even bigger jerkoff. The latter's jerkoff-itude neutralizes the former's and still has some power left to fuck over the first jerkoff. It's all very scientific. I admit a phenomenon like this has the element of poetic justice and tempts one to believe in karma or God, but it's just probability and statitics playing themselves out.

Few people know that Albert Einstein was theorizing a version of this principle when he died. Incidentally, Einstein? Huge jerkoff. The Smithsonean unearthed a tee-shirt among his personal effects that reads, "Compared to me, you're a fuckin' idiot."

16 comments:

Jeannie said...

In my advanced old age, I have come to the conclusion that "what goes around comes around" is bullshit.

Penny Lane said...

I like to believe that bad people will get what is coming to them. I don't care what you call it.

I do always say " one day he/she is going to mess with the wrong person and I cannot wait for that person to punch him/her in the face".

That may be some version of karma, or your statistics, alls I am saying is, it better happen... or I am going to have to start punching ass-holes.

Christopher said...

I'm pretty sure that the idea for most religions and belief systems come from this very idea. We naturally need a way to justify why bad people sometimes have good things happen to them. The answer of "shit happens" isn't really comforting to most people. Generally is just an excuse to have another beer for me, which is probably why I don't mind watching the news.

Good stuff.

Shabbygal said...

LB I think with age comes skepticsm because I would love to believe the aholes would get what they deserve but sadly more than likely they don't. So what does this say we should just all be a holes? I hope not! Traci

SQT said...

You say statistics, I say karma. Tom-a-toe, to-mah-to.

I have seen what I think of as karma in action. It can take a loooong time, but I've come to think it's generally inevitable. Like you said, once a jerk, always a jerk. It'll catch up to you.

heartinhand said...

Get your ass over to CafePress because I WANT ONE OF THOSE T-SHIRTS to wear at family reunions mostly, but it would be applicable almost anywhere! Design it up and we can buy them and the money can go to your kids' college fund or somethin'!

CB said...

You're totally blowing the Einstien shirt out of your ass!!!! He so did not!!!

Mr. CB is the boss at work... And if it's any consolation to people who hate their bosses... If his employees could wipe their own asses he would have to be such a shit all the time!

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

It IS all very scientific! I like the idea of Nemesis. But I don't think it neutralizes either jerk-off. I think that's the karma - when the guy who's always cutting people off in traffic gets cut off himself by Jerk-off #2. Nice. Sometimes, that's all I need.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

Oh and one more thing to add: This isn't exactly the same topic, but close: My brother's son was very precocious. When he was about 12 the older brother of one of his friends misunderstood something he said or did and punched him hard in the face. He went home crying and told my brother, "I didn't even do anything! He punched me for no reason!" My brother said, "Well, you know, there probably was a time that you DID deserve to be punched, but didn't. So it all evens out."

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I've always said, "Be careful who you step on on your way up. You'll have to deal with those same people on your way down."

Chapter Two said...

I think A-Holes are A Holes adn they just never admit to or make public that bad that comes to them. You don't know what a person has going on behind their facade..... something to think about

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I guess there are different types of karma. I remember my dad telling me that in Hinduism karma meant that your moral actions will decide what happens to you in your next life...with the thought that if you do something bad in this life, your next life will be miserable. But that's not satisfying enough for me as I'm not Hindu. Haha. I want the jerk off boss to suffer NOW. :P

I like your statistic theory because it makes sense and it's true. I actually go by this theory when I encounter bad people. Like, well if he's an asshole to me, chances are, in the future, he will be an asshole to the wrong person and get his ass kicked.

Great post. :)

Sandra said...

You lost me at the word "statistics"...I hated that course!
I still think your smokin' hot though!
....I just don't like stats or reading about stats, so I stared at your profile photo.

Not So Simply Single said...

Wow, lots of jerk offs and dicks today, huh?

Well, I think that "the universe, God, higher power" whatever you want to call "it" balances the scales. You don't necessarily know the torture or the demons going on in someones life...so while their bad behavior might in fact prove to be unacceptable in your moral code, they could be living in their own personal hell. You cannot judge the torture of someones mind who is performing this deviant behavior, now can you?

Enough of that...

I must laugh out loud at the Einstein tee- shirt comment...

Let me see, my webcam just caught a picture of YOU with that tee shirt on...

Oh, ya think you are Einstein?

Keep trying buddy...Einstein was known to have an I.Q. of around 160. So if you are up there with him, I will call you a genius...

One thing I can call you for sure, is hilarious. You have me in stitches...

Thanks!

Lisa

Impulsive Addict said...

Oh you little LB...you DO have a way with words that make us ladies swoon! =)

I believe in karma because it has bitten me on my ass more than once..so you would think my ass would be smaller. Hmm..

But I like your reasoning. I see both sides.

Bennet said...

I've begun to believe that many people identify their subconscious as the holy ghost.
Human nature is making connections but too many connections leads to paranoid insanity.
Speaking of idiots, Glen Beck thinks Democrats want Islamic extremists to take over the entire planet. It's both horrifying, and humbling to know that even the mentally ill can collect a salary.