1/31/2011

More cool things I'd like to do someday

  • Make acrobatic catch at company softball game.  Draw applause.  Teammate later attempts to reenact my daring catch, but winds up catching softball in groin, racking himself in the process.  Collective wince is heard from onlookers. 
  • Approach back alley gambling ring occupied with young toughs shooting dice.  Bet them their entire stake.  Win.  Then let them keep the money, but make magnanimous quip about the folly of gambling which imparts valuable lesson on their youthful minds.  Walk away and hope none of them switchblade me in the kidney.
  • Quiet a barking dog with an old, aboriginal hand gesture that evokes 50,000-year bond between man and wolf.
  • Remain motionless at thug's attempt to make me flinch by pulling a punch.  My mettle proves too much for his delicate psyche.  He confesses that insecurity in his manhood prompts him to intimidate others.  I explain that the way to enlightenment is through introspection, not competition.  He begins crying and then tells me he's gay. Whoa, I'm outta here!
  • Smell the air.  Squat down.  Grab a handful of earth.  Allow dirt to spill from my hand and observe its motion in the breeze.  Make fairly accurate prediction of weather over the next several days based on my observations.
  • Synchronize watches with my friends and then do something that we agreed to do at the same time.  YouTube it.
  • Show up wearing dashing tuxedo someplace where my wife is waiting for me and worrying.  Surprise and relieve her with my arrival. When she asks where I was, retort, "traffic was a bitch" in a glib, debonair manner.
  • Order obscure vintage wine at restaurant.  Waitress says that they don't feature that wine on their wine list, but they do have a case in the cellar.  Asks me how I knew.  I reply, "Because in my travels, I've learned that the finer restaurants have a case of [whatever vintage wine I ordered] in stock in the rare event a man of taste arrives."  Waitress blushes down below.
  • Pick lock using everyday items; save neighbor costly visit from locksmith.  Get apple pie or other baked good as reward the next day.
  • Write the great American novel -- in German.
  • Fix something important with a flashlight clenched between my teeth while wearing a wife-beater t-shirt.  Wife brings me glass of lemonade.  She compliments me on the great job I did.  As I swallow lemonade and tart concoction hits my throat, I suck my teeth, nod and say, "It'll do for now."  

27 comments:

WendyB said...

I think these should be your New Year's resolutions. Get these all done in 2011!

Shabbygal said...

Maybe you could combine the wearing the tux and the fine wine incident all in one. Would be a nice touch! If you learn that dog quieting hand gesture please teach me have an obnoxious dog that would love to try it on. Traci

heartinhand said...

"Fantasy-You" sounds like James Bond!

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

To sum up: You want to be MacGyver.

Jeannie said...

You are hilarious. And maybe 7 years old. You could probably pull off the tuxedo thing - but why?

KittyCat said...

You always have such great ideas. My mind normally is just blank.

Thanks for great suggestions.
MAybe I need to expand my horizons?

Baloney said...

Do your friends know this side of you or do you save it for the blog?

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I was kind of worried where that 'Smell the air. Squat down.' was going, but I continued reading.

Cool list.

T-Rex

Impulsive Addict said...

So do you speak German or will you have to learn it first?

Wife beaters are hot.

THIS IS ME....ONLINE said...

Sounds to me like you have been watching a lot of TV. Or maybe just the commercials. A lot of these would make good commercials for the Super Bowl. Good luck with this, Superman!

LadyHAHA said...

"Write the great American novel -- in German."

YES!!! SOld! :P

thoughtsappear said...

I'm going to start checking here when I want to know what the weather is. Please channel Maryland weather.

Deborah said...

You are the MacGyver of blogland!

jennykate77 said...

These are such interesting endeavors. I'll be looking for the American Novel in German...I'll know it was you. As for the rest of the things you want to do, hopefully they'll just naturally happen in the course of life.

Penny Lane said...

It sounds like you want to be a mix between MacGyver, Frank Sinatra and Mickey Rooney .

jalishouse said...

lbb!!!!

I looked for you a while back and somehow missed you. I just grabbed this link from 'laine.

How are you??!!

Your writing is great as always. I'm glad to see you doing your thing.

wonderfullyflo.com said...

Ha ha! none of them sound un-acchievable! :D

JUST ME said...

The flashlight between teeth thing seems like it would be pretty annoying and hard to breathe through...

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Some of these are so brilliant, you seriously HAVE to do them! It would be epic!

Peter said...

"Waitress blushes down below." is there any way you can explain this comment????

Summer Rae said...

I love these posts!!! They are hilarious. I'm still laughing about one you wrote before...about jumping in and harmonizing with one of those old "doo wop" groups.

I could read these all day.

HulaBuns said...

LMAO! These are great. I was going to try to pick a favorite but I kinda love them all. :D

Impulsive Addict said...

See? If you don't email us, then how can you answer our questions? Curiosity killed the cat. Do you want me dead?

Penny Lane said...

There is a surprise for you on my blog, go check it out!

Bennet said...

Very funny.

I've always wanted to apply kung fu moves to every day activities but have discovered it is not cool without rapidly changing camera angles.
It just looks like an epileptic lost of bodily control.

Mrs4444 said...

I don't know where you come up with stuff, but it's brilliant. I'll bet you don't sleep much. Am I right?

tornwordo said...

Blush down below. Nice LBB.