1/14/2011

PSA

Blogs are for more than potty humor, dating advice and song lyrics. They can bring about social change. They can inform the public, stick it to The Man, and help fight the good fight.

Therefore, I'd like to take this opportunity to raise awareness of cruelty to animals, in particular, cruelty to domesticated birds -- the ones that talk. While most bird owners are kind, responsible care-givers, a significant percentage of bird owners deliberately teach unsuspecting birds foul language, slang words and sexual innuendo. A victim of their owners' twisted perversion and their own instinct to repeat sounds in their environment, these birds spend their lifetime uttering profanity. Some owners exploit these birds for juvenile comedic value.

Just how pervasive is this sick, twisted practice? Experts estimate that in 2008, over 9000 cockatoos and parrots learned over 198,000 profane words or expressions and uttered over a 182 million F-Bombs alone. Clearly the practice of bird abuse has reached epidemic proportions. And unlike other varieties of animal abuse which are denounced by the general public, many find a cussing bird "cool." We have a lot of work to do.

Incidents of bird abuse are erupting across the country. In Orlando, Florida, a woman reported a parrot telling her to "go fuck yourself" after revealing a Saltine cracker from her sack lunch. At a Starbucks in San Diego, a cockatoo announced to the clientele that he had "taken a dump in the mocha latte machine," prompting several patrons to vomit and seek medical attention. Before an animal cruelty team could apprehend the offending bird and his owner, the duo victimized a Dunkin' Donuts just blocks away when the same bird announced "kiss my feathered ass, pigs."

Bird abuse will thrive until the public takes a stand against it. It begins with awareness. Please spread the word. And take action against bird abuse. The next time you see somebody with a parrot on his shoulder, offer the bird a pretzel, breath mint, or whatever morsel you might have handy. If the bird utters profanity, stun gun the owner and call the local authorities. Thank you.

16 comments:

Kelley said...

This really made me laugh!! You need to have a Twitter and FB button on your posts so that we can share your funny stuff with the world! Loved this post. Getting my stun gun out now...

Oh, before I go...you said I had talked you into playing Captcha Balderdash, but all I saw were a bunch of crickets when I went to look for your definition. I am now violently crying and feeling seriously cheated and depressed.

Deborah said...

I don't abuse the birds, but I am afraid of them.

*hiding in corner, afraid birdy will get my fatty ass*

Jeannie said...

Evil owners! I don't know anyone with a talking bird so I haven't heard of any such crap going on. I'm sure, if I had one, there'd be a couple of choice words it would learn but certainly nothing like your examples.

Our pet humour limit is pointing a finger gun at the dog and saying "bang" for him to lie down on his side. He doesn't stay dead more than a half second.

Penny Lane said...

*bows to you *

Great post!

My dad really likes birds. So when my parents got married they got one. My parents had chairs on wheels and my mother rolled over the Parakeet's 'tail' with the chair, and for revenge the bird ate my mother's brand new dress. Some may say she deserved.

But yes, although teaching your bird profanity is entertaining for your guest, it is not right, shelter the winged animals, shelter them.

My Great Uncle who lived in Brazil used to have a bird named Papagay and when my uncle would wake up in the morning the bird would say " papa vevu" which means "I'm watching you " and then ask for coffee.

Whatever. Thought I'd share.

Christopher said...

ha this was great, if I had a parrot I'd have to keep a muzzle on it

Impulsive Addict said...

I kinda like bird profanity. It makes me giddy.

CB said...

I'm quite partial to crude humor myself!!!

But bird abuse is quite entertaining also...

My parrot would say,
"Don't make me fucking kill you."

Not So Simply Single said...

I am laughing out loud over here...hmmm...hilarious. I wonder if I could teach my cat's to scan my dates and tell me if they are good in bed so I don't have to waste my time getting undressed..

Hm, now that is a concept...

Lisa

tornwordo said...

Blogs aren't just about potty humor? Who knew?

Denise said...

This is the sort of gold I keep coming back for. Thank you.

Philosophia said...

Yay for bird abuse awareness! :P This is so witty.

I especially like the bird who told starbucks patrons it took a dump in the machine. Hehe. You're too funny. :)

SQT said...

Isn't it interesting how people go for the lowest common denominator with a talking animal?

I get it though. I wonder what I'd have my cat say if she could talk? It would have to be totally cat-like. Along the lines of I'll pretend to like you as long as you feed me...

LadyHAHA said...

well there goes my whole reason for buying a parrot...

heartinhand said...

Thank you for using your blog for good instead of evil!

Now I'm off to go write a poop story, or something, for my blog! =)

Bennet said...

I have to object to this post. If civilization crumbles, I want surviving birds beyond the aftermath to teach the new tribes profanity first and make it holy words.

An entirely new religion built on "f - you asshole!" as they all kneel and bow to it in praise.

XLMIC said...

My bird was a sound-effects guy. No profanity... but he could say "I love you."

That Starbucks cockatoo... totally got me laughing OUT LOUD! And the stun gun.... o, man!