1/04/2011

Ravishing Rick Food

Once in a while I'll read about a cook-off in which chefs make an entrée of record-breaking size.  Today, for example, I saw a clip on the biggest burrito (it weighed like a thousand pounds and was capable of inducing 57,000 cubic feet of fart gas according to the scientist on location).  I've also read about the biggest omelette, the largest pizza, the longest sub sandwich, the fattest cannole, the tallest cake.  You get the idea.  You take an ordinary menu item and enlarge it until astronauts can see it from orbit, like the Great Wall of China or our national debt.  By the way, do they eat these culinary monstrosities or leave them for the birds, stuff them down the garbage disposal, or call Kirstie Alley?

Reading about record-breaking foods, I get to thinking about the hungry.  Starving people don't have access to television, but they read the newspapers before they build their houses out of them.  Should they turn to the Lifestyles section, they might read about the World's Biggest Omelette, in which went 15,250 eggs, 1400 pounds of cheese and a truck load of onions and peppers.  How charmed they must be.  Hey, look at that.  The Americans made a breakfast item 37 feet in diameter and used enough ingredients to feed every starving child in our village for a year.  Gotta love those Yankees and their can-do spirit.  That reminds me, I'm starving.  Honey, let's scour the land for grubs in the blazing sun before the warlords arrive with their machetes.  Ooh, I know.  Let's make the World's Biggest Insect Carcass Pie! 

I don't begrudge American culture its excesses.  I don't believe, as many do, that our abundance denies other countries their "fair share."  Their corrupt governments and failed economic policies do that.  But I can see how our love affair with food can be obnoxious to the foreign observer.  For example, those huge steak dinners that if you can eat it all, it's free.  Think about the statement that makes: if you're a big enough glutton, we'll subsidize your gluttony.  It's like a scholarship program for overeaters.

All-you-can-eat buffets tweak the sensibilities of foreigners, too.  You plop down 9 bucks and shovel as much inventory down your gullet as the laws of biology allow.  The goal of a buffet is to eat yourself miserable enough to know you got your money's worth.  The trick is to get one over on The Man.  Ha!  I ate nine dollars in crab puffs alone.  Take that, Mr. Ming's China Buffet!

Frying dessert foods is a uniquely American example of overkill.  We should stop doing that.  Don't fix what isn't broken.  You should fry vegetables.  They're gross.  You fry them so that they have an outside shot at tasting good.  Don't fry Oreos and Twinkies. They don't need any help.  It's like giving Dolly Parton a boob job.

Competitive eating melds two American virtues, competition and gluttony, into one grotesque sporting event -- although the Japanese give us a run for our money by boasting their national virtue: efficiency, specifically, packing 62 hotdogs into a 120-pound dude.  Only the Japs could use space so efficiently -- and maybe that IKEA guy.  You know who should join eating contests?  Those African kids you see on the Sally Struthers commercials.  They'd clean up.  Imagine our spoiled, lard-ass, bowling alley dwellers squaring off against an Ethiopian who hasn't had a meal in 4 months.  I know who my money's on.  If I so much as skip a meal I can knock back a large pizza and a pack of Oreos.  Imagine going a decade or so without food.  You and a couple villagers could probably eat one of those record-breaking burritos all by yourselves!  Man, we're in trouble if sub-Saharan Africa joins the ranks of competitive eating.  There goes our national dignity.

21 comments:

Baloney said...

Amen on frying dessert foods. I tried a fried Twinkie this fall at the fair and think regular Twinkie's are way better.
Happy New Year LBB!

Impulsive Addict said...

I will gladly say that I've never tried any fried desserts. My ass could NOT handle it for sure.

I'm not a fan of all-you-can-eat buffets because frankly, they just gross me out. The last one I ate at, my water broke right in the middle of the buffet line. I'm sure I ruined it for a few other people that night also.

I could probably do some competitive eating if the item were brownies. I don't mess around when it comes to eating those little bites of heaven.

You are just so darn funny. I could learn a thing or two from you. I just wish we could figure out how to fix your no-comment email thingy.

Jeannie said...

All you can eat buffets are generally disgusting. But we've done quite a few over the years. Now that I'm older I do not get my money's worth because, up here, they are generally more like $15 - $20 a person. It's much cheaper to just order a dish or two at the Chinese or Thai place and take it home - there's always enough for 2 meals anyway. There used to be an amazing buffet that was only open for Sunday Brunch - it was a catering place otherwise and they had the best food ever - all higher end freshly made food - Eastern European - no fillers at all. You absolutely wanted to try everything but couldn't possibly. And it was different every week. But the family retired and moved somewhere hot. Don't even know if the new guy ever opened.

I have never had a fried dessert - that too is a little disgusting.

Philosophia said...

Man, why did you have to remind me of food right now, especially super-sized food? It's almost dinner time. Now I'll have to make a trip to McDonald's and super-size everything, despite that rather scary movie with the same title!

I might be skinny on the outside, but you just reminded me that I am a fatty on the inside. This post had perfect timing. And I have to admit fried desserts? Really, those are so overrated. :)

JUST ME said...

Buffets scare the shit out of me.

All I can think of is

GERMS.

Hence, I have never eaten at a buffet.

Chapter Two said...

I always want to reply to your comments. I hit reply on my email..... and *screech* it comes up a 'no-reply email'

sigh......

Heather said...

Ironic.

We have so MUCH FOOD, and everyone always claims to be on a diet.

I read an article today stating even though a huge amount of Americans are obese...9 out 10 claim they eat a well balanced diet. Hello?

Penny Lane said...

Well I think that Americans just gross foreigners out in general... I mean come on, it makes sense, we are gross.

I may be about to blow your mind, but they do fry vegetables up. I was in a restaurant the other day and there was fried strong beans, gross.

Deborah said...

Buffets. My hubs LOVES a certain buffet place. I think it's $11.00 a person.

I'm a fatty, but I usually get a piece of chicken and salad, maybe a chunk of meatloaf because I have an unnatural love of the 'loaf.

Hub's sis (who I call Penny Lane funnily enough!) grouses that she hates that place because she 'doesn't get her money's worth.'

What the hell does that mean???

May I live, curled up real small, in your brain? I just love how you think!

thoughtsappear said...

I hope someone eats those oversized foods...preferably someone who needs it.

I have to admit I've had a fried Twinkie and Oreo at our fair...soooo tasty.

Anonymous said...

First of all, I disagree with you about deep-fried Oreos. Those are AMAZING!!
Secondly, I got food poisoning once at a national pizza chain's buffet. Between my hurried trips to the restroom, I was literally on the floor in a fetal position moaning. I just can't muster the courage to try another buffet.

T-Rex

Denise said...

Because our national debt is in the same category as the great wall, does that mean we should do all we can to preserve it? Is that why? Or are we still in the building phase? Bigger is still better, even if it's negative numbers.

Penny Lane said...

Hey, Head over to my blog... I have a surprise for you.

( Spoiler Alert: It's an award )

Ashley said...

haha! You are hilarious! I just got your link from "The Chronicles of a College Girl" It is true, Americans are OBSESSED with food.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

This cracked me up.
I too am proud to say I've never tried a fried dessert. Overall I'm not a big fried food eater. But I have tried a fried pickle, and it was pretty good.
Anyhoo, I digress, but you're right. This extreme excess makes us look like asses, literally and figuratively, and it's killing us.

heartinhand said...

I've often wondered what they do with those "World's Largest" food items too. They should feed the homeless and low income people in the communities they are made in, otherwise it's a huge waste of food.

Shabbygal said...

Buffets gross me out! Usually disgusting food and really obese people. Not my idea of a fine culinary experience! Never tried fried desserts the fat girl in me doesn't need anymore vices! Traci

KittyCat said...

Yeah, I like to watch some of those cooking shows, BUT
I hate to cook.
Also those lovely "All-you-can-eat buffets" are a total waste on people like me. who eat small meals multi times a day. SO not worth the money.

Great post!

Impulsive Addict said...

You DO leave comments, silly! Number 28 was NOT directed at you. I promise.


It's time for a new post. Let's get busy, m'kay?

kthanks. That's all.

Sandra said...

Ok, I would not fry and Oreo...but I dunno, I'm sort of craving a fried Twinkie right about now.

Kelley said...

You have some great thoughts! I totally agree with the thoughts those starving people are likely having about our gargantuan breakfast items. On another note, I ate a fried Oreo the other day just to see what it tasted like. I still prefer the plain Oreo.