1/21/2011

Thoughtprints

  • There's a midpoint between earth and heaven.  Some call it Purgatory.  Think of it as a cosmic weigh-station for the soul. You don't get hot and cold running bliss like you do in heaven, but you do get to recover all the objects you've lost in your earthly life, such as hats, sunglasses and cell phones.  They also show you how socks do that trick in which one sock disappears while the other stays behind and creates a distraction.
  • Bed Head makes a hair care product called Dumb Blonde.  I went to the company's website to register my complaint, whereupon I noticed their complete product line, which included Skanky Redhead, Brunette Bimbo, Busybody C*nt -- and for the fellas, Jobless Lying Asshole.  As long as they're keeping things fair!
  • If you smoke 2 joints, do you celebrate 840?  
  • Some people suffer from writer's block.  I suffer from writer's cock.  I always have something to write, but often I'm too busy jerking off to type.
  • The success of the Hershey's Kiss surprises me.  It doesn't look like kiss so much as a turd -- perhaps something the Nestle Quik Rabbit might leave behind a bush.
  • The efforts to dissuade or punish drivers using their cell phones puzzles me.  Instead, invest the creative energy into an application for driving your car remotely from your cell phone.  i-Drive.  Problem solved. 
  • The recession is so bad, 50 Cent had to change his name to 3-For-A-Dollar. 
  • I know they're all the rage, but I think of tattoos as graffiti turned inward. 
  • In today's news -- a restaurant in Tucson plans to serve lion meat tacos.  Animal rights activist are protesting the exotic menu item.  But one group has registered its support: The Gazelles of Zimbabwe.
  • Also in the news, a 52-year old woman is able to speak again after doctors gave her a voice box transplant.  After learning of the surgery's success, her husband checked into the same hospital for a bilateral ear drum removal.
  • Scientists say that when you look in the mirror, you don't actually see the real you.  You see a vertical inversion of yourself, where left is right and right is left.  If that's true, then how come when you lie down in front of a mirror, your reflection isn't upside down? 
  • When I was 14 I attended an astronomy club meeting during the last visit of Haley's Comet.  This one geek explained to me that we won't see it again for 76 years.  I told him, In your case, the same is true for Planet Vagina.

28 comments:

Peter said...

Good stuff LBB.
Your Q & A posts were fun to read... probably better to write?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

ROFL! If ear drum removal were a possibility, I think the Evil Twin would have signed up years ago. However, his frequent attendance at rock concerts in the 70s helped him tune out most noises, including my voice.

Jeannie said...

I love your 14 yr old self.

I hate Hershey's Kisses. I am dumbfounded at their success because not only do they look like shit, they taste like it too.

Lion meat? surely they jest.

Jeannie said...

Maybe it's Lyin' meat - there's no meat at all? (My daughter, a vegetarian says with the amount of actual meat in their tacos, they needn't bother at all anyway - they are full of textured soy protein)

Anonymous said...

Planet Vagina!! I actually snorted when I read that!!

If the voice box was transplanted from a 60 year old male smoker, would she speak with that guy's voice?

Thanks for the laughs!

T-Rex

heartinhand said...

Writers' cock. Heh heh heh.

Impulsive Addict said...

You crack my Hershey's Kiss up!

Seriously, where do you come UP with this stuff? Do you lie awake in bed and jot down random thoughts of craptasticness? (I like that word. It's not mine. I stole it.)

I wonder if that geek ever found Planet Vagina?

Deborah said...

My husband just might do the same thing if that happened to me.

He says he only listens to every third or fourth word out of my mouth. It's a self-defense thingy.

Can't say I blame him. I'm a chatty-cathy.

CB said...

Damnit!!! Why do I get 'brunette bimbo'???

I'd have largely preferred 'skanky brunette'!

Lodge a complaint with Star Command, Buzz!!

THIS IS ME....ONLINE said...

You almost ruined Hershey's kisses for me.......almost.

Heather said...

That vertical inversion thing has always give me a headache. I guess I need some of that Bed Head product.

Sandra said...

Ok, I'm pretty sure I tell you this ALL THE TIME, but seriously, you are brilliant. How do you come up with this? Your mind is constantly switched on and your walk around with a notepad right? You're dorky that way, right? Just smile and nod.
I'm pretty sure my ex-husband uses the hair product: jobless lying asshole.

Ashley said...

What a random collection of randomness I stumbled upon today! ;-) lol!

Check out my blog, I have a surprise for you! :-)

K. Syrah said...

Dumb Blonde? Ha! Well, as long as all the stereotypes are covered. I wonder what you would have said if the one geek that explained Haley's comet to you was a girl!

Not So Simply Single said...

* * * * *
*
*
I don't think there is a purgatory. I think that place is just an excuse for people bad behavior. If you clean up your act as you go, you won't need purgatory, you will go straight to heaven. I want heaven, because I think there will be a spa there so I can get endless massages from hot, sexy men draped in loinclothes.

Bed head should make a product called, "feels like sex". A shampoo like that might be worth considering. "Dumb Blonde", well, there is NOTHING dumb about this blonde!

Hmmm...Glad I got the visual of what your computer must look like after writer's cock...just saying... eewwww...(don't you have a wife?)

Tattoos, I don't get it....they look nice on young studs, but what are they going to look like when they are 80 and gravity has moved their tits and ass to new and different places...(now THAT is a visual I don't care to think about)


Just saying, you are ONE FUNNY GUY! Thanks for the giggle!

Lisa

Baloney said...

Hershey kisses are nasty. I've actually wondered the same thing.

Mrs4444 said...

Jeannie totally cracked me up. What SHE said!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

These are all hilarious, especially the Bed Head one. And I've often thought the Hershey's Kiss looked like rabbit droppings!! I don't know WHY they made it that shape. :P

Summer Rae said...

haha! Love the commentary on Hershey's kisses. I actually think they should explore the potential profitability of the Hershey's turd! There are more people who make me mad in the world, than there are people I'd like to kiss. Then add that to the fact that I'm married, so I can only in good conscience give kisses to 1 person, and unfortunately he doesn't like chocolate. Turds would open up a whole new Hershey's world, at least for this consumer.

thoughtsappear said...

I'll never be able to eat a Hershey's Kiss ever again.

Well, at least for a week.

Guilty Kisser said...

Sweet. I get skanky red head. That's the title I strive for on a daily basis. And planet vagina? haha

Penny Lane said...

I think that it is still 420, but do feel free to smoke more than two joints,

The Hershey kiss thang, I never knew why it was like that but I either heard this somewhere, or came up with it all on my own but can't remember; it is the shape it is because if you move your lips into a kiss position it slips in like it is a mold for that shape,

that sounded dirtier than intended

Philosophia said...

Lol, can I have some of that Jobless Lying Asshole, please, and maybe a bit of the dumb blonde too? ;)

Hehehe, writer's cock, love it. :)

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I read a book about your cosmic weigh station theory. Sort of. It was a place that all lost things ended up, including people. I can dig it up and find the title, if you're interested.
Thanks for your comment on my blog, I have a detractor in my life who loves to make snide comments about my weight loss surgery. Since she is currently around 300 lbs, she quite literally has no room to talk. Anyway, sometimes I just like to throw my success in her face via blog posts. =)

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

I want to know why you're lying down in front of a mirror.

Kelley said...

You are so funny! You are on Twitter, right? No? Come on. You have to be... I'm about to do a complete search for a Twitter icon on your blog. You need to tweet this stuff, man! Ya heeeeeeeeeard meh?

the eternal list said...

you can experience purgatory here on earth, you don't have to die first. try to wake your body up while in the middle of having a dream: your consciousness, your "spirit" if you will, will suddenly realize it can't be released, it's stuck in a body which can't move; you're trapped. it's a mind****, but as long as you have your INCEPTION totem with you, you'll survive...

tornwordo said...

the mirror thing is true. Just hold up a photo of yourself next to the reflection of yourself and you'll see. Jerking off? I thought you had a wife to take care of that.