• As a kid I remember adults, teachers and cartoons urging me, cajoling me to eat healthy snacks.  I responded with a silent, visceral objection.  I thought to myself, Yeah, yeah.  I get it.  Everything that tastes good is bad; everything that tastes bad is good.  Yay!  I'm so glad I was born.  Love this life thingy.  Next thing you're going to tell me is, I can't play with my ding dong when I'm at the park!
  • People claim they prefer the truth, even if it hurts.  I'm cut from different cloth.  If it concerns money, by all means, I want the truth.  If it's a matter of love, lie all you need to keep me happy.
  • Everybody wants more tax dollars for schools.  We don't need more money.  We need innovative teaching ideas.  How about we save about 10 grand per student-year by shutting down schools and putting the lessons on iPods?  Also, for teen-agers, mix educational videos in with Internet porn.  [Insert "divide by pi" algebra joke here].
  • Earlier I racked myself by stepping on the pedal of my trash can and deploying the lid into my groin. No wonder I flunked out of physics at ASU.
  • Those little Netflix envelopes are everywhere.  Everybody loves when their Netflix envelop arrives.  If I were a court server, I'd pack court docs into a little red envelop and hand it to them.  "Excuse me, ma'am.  I found this by your mailbox... Surprise, beotch!  You've been served!  Oh, by the way, your copy of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is in there, too." 
  • I've dropped so many crumbs in my keyboard that when I beat on it at random, it types out the words "Wonder bread."  I can't believe the keys can still make a circuit. 
  • Recently they started manufacturing microwave/convection oven combos.  These must be for people who still want the expense of cooking with conventional heat along with the rubbery flavor of microwaved food. 
  • A Pennsylvania high school has segregated black students in an effort to boost their academic performance.  Vice Principal Gerhard Schultz received press questions for absent Principal Johna Goldberg, who, Schultz informed, was "locked in a railroad box car with the rest of the Jews."
  • Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital this morning with acute abdominal pain.  When doctors pumped his stomach, they found enough semen for two and a half men.    
  • I don't always blog, but when I do, I prefer Dos Blogger.  Stay literate, my friends. 


Budd said...

dos blogger is my choice as well.

Impulsive Addict said...

One thing I've noticed...you really love your "ding dong". It's cool. I get it. I mean, I don't really but I'm sure every "person" with a penis gets it.

Love the netflix idea. You should go ahead and copyright that.

Eating at the computer is a HUGE no-no. It's a breeding ground for germs and bacteria. Haven't you learned anything from me? (I accidentally went into my mother voice. Whoopsie.)

Love the Charlie Sheen joke. He's a hot mess. Why is he still employed?

Anonymous said...

Charlie is all about the self-sabotage. He's a hot mess.

Deborah said...

• sometimes adults are just no fun!
• yes, lie to me
• your Netflix idea is killing me. Tears are squirting, yes they are

Stay Literate love this!!!

Anonymous said...

Hehe...you said "ding-dong."

I'm with you on the Netflix envelopes. Somehow I've ended up with more envelopes than DVDs....

jennykate77 said...

Poor Charlie. I hope he gets things figured out before he winds up dead on a bathroom floor somewhere. That's where all the stars are found...on bathroom floors

I think you're onto something with your innovative teaching ideas.

At least you only have crumbs in your keyboard. I'm notorious for dripping coffee on mine. One of these days she's gonna blow. Oh, and my "c" button is missing...so I have to use my pinky. It's so annoying.

Jeannie said...

I don't know how you come up with everything or how you remember to actually put it in your posts but I'm so glad. Problem is, there's so much gold that I can't hold on to all of them. Like a treasure chest and you are only allowed to take one handful.

Denise said...

Every once in a while I wonder to myself why Americas youth are so stupid... and the answer is the way we teach them. I loved learning; I did all my homework (sans calculus) and was always early for classes. I am not the norm. I learn easier than most people and no one cared about those kids. I want to home school my future offspring for the sole purpose that I'll know exactly what type of education they are getting.

KittyCat said...

You really would rather be lied to about matters of the heart?
Is this all men?

: (

Maybe I need to consider this when dealing with the sportsman.

Gucci Mama said...

I'm trying to come up with a witty comment here, but I'm just too damn intimidated.

That or the twenty six nyquil gel tabs I took last night in effort to sleep through coughing up both of my lungs and one of the neighbor's are clouding my thinking.

But I think "intimidated" is more flattering to you, so we'll go with that.

Penny Lane said...

It seems like you are supposed to thank your parents for giving birth to you, but the minute you are out of the womb they are telling you what to do, what to eat, what dirt not to lay with, I mean come on, I didn't need to be born for this shit hole.

People do not want the truth. They want to seem confident and special by saying that they do, but they'd prefer you lie to them, as long as they never find out.

It seems easier to throw money at schools then try to fix them. That way it can be said " Look at all the money we gave" yeah bug shit !


I love my Netflix envelopes, but from now on I am going to be scared to open them. Thanks a lot.

I hate when crumbs get on my keyboard. I try to blow them out but it doesn't always work. Bummer.

Reminds me of 30Rock

O gosh.

I just saw that on the news, interesting.

Here's for hoping!

Impulsive Addict said...

Please tell me you have a fb page! I don't know HOW you can tell me but find a way. Kthanks.

SQT said...

Lying can be a good thing. I don't want to hear that my butt isn't as terrific as it was at 25. Lie to me. Please.

My father-in-law has one of those microwave/convection oven things. I can't figure that thing out to save my life. It wouldn't be a very efficient way of cooking in my house.

XLMIC said...

Number 1 made me recall a laughable moment at the playground the other day... a dad and his 4-year old-ish daughter... this is about snacks not the other part... she was hungry and he tried to hand her a rice cake. She just walked away. He took a bite then said, "Sweetie, come try this ... mmmm... it's a DELICIOUS rice cake!" Has a rice cake EVER been "delicious"?

Baloney said...

I want the truth. Always.
Serious comment about the whole school/money thing. I think administrators sure get paid well and waste more time and money than I ever thought possible.

THIS IS ME....ONLINE said...

So....when it comes to love you want to be lied to. Does that mean you are doing the same?

Our middle school tested out the theory of lessons on I-pods last year. Students were to watch a podcast at home of the instructor teaching the lesson and then come to class for homework and assistance. They were really excited to be issued the I-pod and then went home and spent their time trying to unlock it to put what they wanted on it. Good idea that still needs some work.

I really enjoy 2-1/2 Men, but I'm so over Charlie Sheen. He needs to wake up and smell the soffee. I guess he counts himself a success for every day that he just wakes up.

Peter said...

Your thoughtprint posts are always clear evidence that your mind is a dangerous place to be LBB.

Sandra said...

I guess you could play with your dingdong at the park, but I suspect you'd get a nickname such as "Peewee Herman" or "that creepy man who plays with his dingdong at the park."

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Awesome...I had to read several of these out loud to the husband.

Mona said...

Yea yea! They are always telling you that! Imagine! That God is even one foot ahead! He told us not to eat APPLES!

Yea, Hear hear! It doesn't matter if you lie in love. after all it is an illusion...

I haven't heard the divide by pi joke and now I am curious!

tut tut! Poor you. You lost on the 'leverage' at ASU

yay! Times have changed! They started stealing envelopes instead of the letters now! :D

whether they can make a circuit or not, they sure can make a dough though...

I have one of them microwave ovens & I still have no idea how to use the convection!

yea, and I also heard that Schultz did that after Goldberg circumcised him!

No wonder his name is Charlie Sheen
That stuff is so full of protein I heard that it adds real sheen to your hair & glow to your face!

Dos Blogger Who?

Philosophia said...

I especially agree with you on the truth part - in matters of love, sometimes I'd much prefer being lied to! :)

Mrs4444 said...

You're hilarious. That said, I really hope you're wife's not cheating on you!haha (see point #2)

tornwordo said...

I love the ischarliesheendead.com site. I know Dos Equis but not Dos Blogger. Now I feel illiterate.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I can always count on you to make me laugh. Gawd I love these posts you do. :)

The netflix one reminded me of this awful Matthew Perry movie where he has to get really creative to serve people. Except your little fraction was waaay better than the movie. Ha!

Great post.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

Laughing out loud, here, over the Netflix envelopes. Is there or has there ever been a better thing to see in the mailbox?

And did you really go to ASU? Which one?

Not So Simply Single said...

YOU are FUCKING hilarious.

I eat healthy snacks, but I am a chef and can make them tasty.

Playing with your ding dong in the park, yup, that could be cause for alarm.

As far as lying for love, doesn't EVERY woman do that? Surely when doing the horizonal mambo, and not getting the climax we deserve, we will pretend. THAT is a given. Unfortunately.

I agree, innovative teaching would help 99% of all students. However, removing their cell phones so they could concentrate on the lessons, would help as well.

The Charlie Sheen thing makes me want to puke. But then again, so does Charlie Sheen. (note to self, never DATE Charlie Sheen)

Okay, I am going to the beach now....


Kelley said...

Wonder Bread in your keyboard? Mmmm... Sounds so yummy!

I am not believing that segregated business. Are you fo real? I guess I will have to Google it or something.