Attention food servers:

I don't want to come off hostile, here.  The truth is, I love food servers.  But I also love efficiency.  Let me save food servers everywhere thousands of 7-8 second intervals of time -- that time you waste asking questions we both know the answers to.

Yes, I want to super-size, value-size, "go-big" or whatever the hell Da Vinci Cryptex riddle I need to mumble so I get the large fries.  I've seen the regular-size fries.  I ate bigger appetizers while in the womb.  I can cover the 79-cents you're hustling after.  Just give me the bigger cup and the large fries.  You're a regular Lee Iacocca.  You up-sold me 79 cents.  Honestly, shouldn't you aim higher?  Take that salesmanship where you can make some real money.  Hey, why not apply at Grease Monkey and hit me up for the 15-dollar air filter change?  It's worth 15 bucks just to shut the guy up before he walks back out with my dirty filter and a new-from-the-factory filter and makes me feel like an abusive jerk.

Attention, restaurants everywhere: revert back to small, medium and large.  I know that men especially shun the word "small" because we all fear it's a poker tell for our peckers.  And I know everybody with something to sell wants their product to compare favorably to the competition, even though it's the same crap.  By the way, ladies.  This is why all those 8-inch guys you dated magically became 5-and-change right after they closed the deal.  Let me give you the secret formula so you won't suffer from buyer's remorse:  Take the number he's quoting you; round down to the nearest integral; then subtract 2 inches.  Bingo.  That's his longitudinal penile dimension.  Prospecting penis size is a lot like signing a cell phone contract in that the numbers will surely change against your favor before you connect to the service.  Anyway, every time I order a pizza at a new restaurant, I have to look up "large" in my thesaurus and utter 15 synonyms to get the big pizza.  I'll take a colossus pizza, please.  That is your largest, right?  Oh no?  In that case, I'll take the ten-ton colon blocker size with sausage and onion.  Whatever you call it, just get the kid smoking weed in the back to slip it in the oven so I don't starve to death eating you "large" pizza which is really your medium, which is the size of a silver dollar.

Here's another unnecessary question:  Do you want everything on that?  Yes.  That is, unless you're going to discount the item for keeping stuff I'm entitled to off of it.  I don't care if you're adding plutonium flakes and fiberglass.  I'm paying for it. You're adding it.  After all, I can always pull or scrape it off.  But if you omit it, I feel like a chump.  It's a recession, yo.  I want what I'm paying for even if I hate it.

Soup or salad?  In what universe does it make sense to opt for salad over soup?  I have nothing against salads.  If they serve it, I'll eat it.  But I'm not ordering a salad in lieu of soup because I'm not a masochist!  Be rational, people.  The waiter is asking whether you'd rather have a bowel of broth with chunks of meat and vegetables, seasoned and suitable as an appetizer or a dip for bread -- or some leaves with dressing.  Order the soup.  Only a communist or a homosexual chooses salad over soup.  Spare me the "But have you had the salad at Olive Garden?  It's fabulous!"  Yes, I have.  Yes, it is.  Have you had the spinach potato soup?  It'll induce orgasm if you're hungry enough.  The salad is good.  The soup is sublime.

Do you want more chips and salsa?  Well, did you see me spelunking the bowl with a chip fragment for the last 17 minutes?  Yes, I'd like more.

Are you ready for the check?  Yes.  I was ready for it the minute I ordered.  Lay the leather billfold thingy on the table.  It's not an imposition.  You had no problem asking me "how is everything" the second I stuffed my mouth full of complimentary pumpernickel.  Lying a piece of paper on the table between drink refills is nothing compared to that.  Yes, I'll take the check.  And thank you.



Sandra said...

Spelunking? I'm 'googling' that as soon as I'm done commenting here.
I agree with most of it except for the 'Super-Size' thing. If you 'Super Size' it, I'll eat it, then I'll have to order salad next time.
And spinach potato soup at Olive Garden! I know where I'm having lunch tomorrow. But I'm in Canada, they probably don't even offer it here. It's much too innovative.
You are hilarious as always!
Loved your post!

Rach said...

lol. i waitressed once at a restaurant.. and now reading this.. i feel like that guy *whom i thought had a squint eye* was actually mad on me for giving him ketchup after he finished his frenchies.

Bitchzilla on The loose.

XLMIC said...

yeah, those pizza sizes really piss me off. I just ask "how many hungry kids will it feed?" that usually settles it out for me.

Not So Simply Single said...

Soooo true. Poor service aggravates the crap out of me.... Come on people, it is NOT a college educated profession. JUST FRIGGING GIVE ME SOME SERVICE.

YES, I have been known to be a bitch.

I am not caring what you are thinking, cuz I am the one tipping...

Yes, thats right, serve me, and call me Queen and we will all get along just FINE!


Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm not really a soup person, so I always get the salad. Then again, I'm a girl, so I think it's allowable. :-)

Shawn said...

You need to open a training center and save the rest of us the trouble of going through this same stuff.

I'm with ya on the pizza thing, "the large has 8 slices...but they're very big slices". Super, we'll take 2!
But I have to disagree with the "super-size" thing. Although I could eat as many fresh 'n hot french fries that can fit in that box plus all of the hitch-hikers that made it to the bottom of the bag my ass and heart would prefer I not!

The penile inflation or deflation rather comment deserves a comment too. Bottom line, size DOES matter!

Jeannie said...

Frankly, I don't want everything and I don't want the super size either. I don't want them so much, I haven't eaten a burger in at least a couple of years. And when I do have one - it's at the place where you have to specify what you want - but you can have extra of whatever you like too.
And I can have onion rings instead of fries. mmmm

I think they should label pizzas by their diameter - forget the vague sizes. Or, if rectangular - sized like tv's

At our favourite restaurant, you get both soup and the salad bar (they put it in in the 80's and kept it) with every entree. and the prices aren't ridiculous.

Penny Lane said...


"Poker tell for our peckers"... I laugh.

Only you can fit penis length into a food-centered post.
I only know Tall, Grande, and Venti. Small , Medium, Large? What's that?

The chips and salsa, same as the bread sticks, or rolls, or whatever carbohydrate they choose which fits their theme, if the basket is empty, just bring more... do not ask. Who are you asking? Do you not see it is empty?

It seems as though I spend my whole life waiting for a check.

Anonymous said...

Why are men ALWAYS thinking that women are thinking about how big penises are?! We don't care how big they are, we only care if they do the job! And by job I mean dishes.

Budd said...

I love when you haven't got your meal yet and they ask if you want a drink refill. for $2.50 you better keep the thing full till I leave.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I think you and I have dined together before. ;) Haha I could relate to most of these so well.

And oh my god now I'm craving that chicken spinach soup from Olive Garden...drool.

Baloney said...

Have you ever waited tables LBB?
I don't understand why every place has to have their own rendition of S, M & L either.
I'm going to save you a lot of time by telling you to order the largest size you have with everything on it.

KittyCat said...

I personally have never waited talbes but
i NEVER want everything on it.
im a plain kinda girl.
plain and veggie

jennykate77 said...

"Spelunking". That's a new term for me. I plan on using it often!

I love reading your rants about food and food service!! You're so insightful.

Ashes said...

Actually, I think I'd go with the salad if the option is a "bowel of broth with chunks of meat and vegetables" because I don't eat bowels. I EMPTY THEM.

Bennet said...

I agree with this post.
I know sexuality can be difficult to determine.

If I appear to be a male heterosexual, and you are also a male waiter I don't want a conversation.
We once had a waiter trying to act all Jesus like with our group of horny males. We gesticulated for breasts he did not have. He tried to kneel imitating a confessional to take each of our orders but Waiter Jesus wasn't fast enough with drink refills so we cheated his ass on tips.

Dawn said...

Loved your comparison on penile size and a cell phone contract. Hysterical.

But, I'm going to disagree on opting for soup over salad. I'd never order soup before salad. I'm not a soup person. I'll eat it on occasion.

Loved your post. Always insightful. =)

Mona said...

Its the 'perception' honey. Nothing else.
Perhaps when they say 'large size', they must be cutting slices from the 8 inches roll (pepperoni(?)) and spread it on the base, which incidentally might not be very large , but just medium enough to be able to hold the number of 'Shavings' acquired thereof!

So you know where the word 'large' comes from. Its not their fault if you are looking at the 'base' ;D

Ashley said...

Ugh!!! I love reading your blog, but this was kinda irritating...which I know you like to go for! :-)

I used to be a server...there is a difference between faking it and being truly genuine and hoping the person has a good experience. Better than us spitting in your food. You know, we really can mix up some nasty ish in your soup and you'd never know. NEVER DONE THAT BTW. Although, I do see you point, servers need to realize that the free stuff...people always want more. I have been yelled at a couple of times for asking if a guy would like another drink. Yeah I'm gonna ask you, if I don't ask and you dont want it, that's 5 drinks that I served that go towards paying for that one drink you didnt want...waaaaah.

Good blog...just be nice to the servers...after all...I may soon be one again here in the near future...so if you're ever visiting Houston...muahahahaha.... :-)

Kelley said...

You are so funny! You are so right about it all, especially S, M & L. Hey, do you ever ask your server to bring you some paper & crans?

Xazmin said...

"Only a communist or a homosexual chooses salad over soup." That is my new motto! Hilarious!

Elisabeth Black said...

Love the use of spelunking would not expect to find that in a blog entry about food.

By the way I think you would rather have a bowl of broth not a bowel.. (yes I am that girl ...grammar nazi)

Very cute! Thanks for making me laugh!

Anonymous said...

I always need more chips and salsa. Always.

I've never understood the ready for the check question either. If I don't want to leave yet, I'll just continue sitting at the table after you drop off the check.

Date Girl said...

Ugh I hate it when servers come to check on everything the minute you take a bit. What's worse is the hovering kind that swoop to that your plate before you've finished the last bite. I like to lick the bowl thankyouverymuch!

Blogget Jones said...

Know what kills me? Even if you don't want everything on that, they're now charging for "extra" anything. Really? Does that little bit of sour cream really cost you nearly a buck to put on there? I said I didn't want guac....doesn't it balance?

Thanks for the great post :o)