2/23/2011

LBB, cock fighter.

If I had it to do all over again, I'd be a professional cockfighter.  Man, was my high school guidance counselor was asleep at the wheel when he failed to bring this fine and noble vocation to my attention.  I wasted 6 years in college learning about faggy things when I could have been raising and training a backyard full of cocks.  I'd spend business hours in the “Cockpit,” which is the cool name I'd give to my backyard, in my wife-beater t-shirt, blinged the fuck out, thumbing my way through a stack of 100-dollar bills -- last weekend's profits.  I'd hire a shifty right-hand-man from a questionable background to schedule fights, book the bets and get me the best deals on cell phone service, as I would need to focus my time and energy on training the savage birds.

Why would I be a successful cockfighter?  What makes me so freggin' great?  I'll tell you.  I would handle my cocks differently, better.  I'd revolutionize cockfight training.  I know how to coax the best from my cocks (NOTE: please don't cut-and-paste the previous sentence and post it along with an innuendo.  I'm baring my soul here and I need you to take me seriously).  I'd tap into the caverns of cock aggression and rage.  For instance, I'd say to my cock “See your hen sitting on that egg over there?  Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this.  That's not your egg.  The cock you're fighting tonight, Luigi -- that's his egg.  Now go bury your beak in that sancho's chest.”  My cock could best a wolverine in battle after some coaxing from me, his loving handler.

That's the essence of a champion cockfighter: you have to tap the primal rage of your cock, then refine it and focus it into a laser beam, and then aim it on the opposing cock.  You can have the meanest cock in the world -- meaner than Naomi Campbell on a coke binge.  But if you can't conjure the magic on fight night, you'll lose your entire bankroll and get jacked by a gang of street thugs who collectively form the underbelly of the illicit cockfighting circuit.  If you lack the virtue of deliberation, don't cockfight.  The affable and happy-go-lucky have no place at a cockfight.  Go be an architect, a nurse or some other faggy tradesman.  Otherwise the real cockfighters will eat you alive and feed your bones to their cocks.

Alleged hen infidelity isn't my only device for conjuring cock rage and aggression.  Each cock has a different temperament and a successful handler must discover which style of coaxing motivates the individual cock.  Some cocks respond well to gang signs.  Others froth up when, just before the fight, you shake their wire cages to and fro.  Still others peak in ferocity after you feed them an Atomic Fireball gobstopper.  A rare few go into a frenzy when you force them to watch reruns of MASH.  Few outside cockfighting circles know that Alan Alda agitates cocks to homicidal state.  The latter technique, however, is under scrutiny by PETA and several regulatory agencies as cruel and torturous treatment of animals.

It's moot anyway.  My God-given talent for cockfighting remains dormant.  It's too late and I'm too old to enter the profession.  Instead I've got to work in healthcare like a chump.  Healing sick people and comforting the infirm and dying don't deliver the satisfaction of watching your little fella scratch and gnaw into the thorax of the enemy bird, but they'll sustain me.  I think I'll go kick the crap out of my guidance counselor.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why don't you just beat your guidance counselor with your cock?

T-Rex

K. Syrah said...

Did you read this out loud when you wrote it?

"My cock could best a wolverine in battle"...

I mean, really. I'm blushing at the prospect of just saying what you've written to an empty room.

Alleged hen infidelity! It's soooooo Elizabethan.

Rach said...

Your guidance counselor didn't enlighten you with this profession.. but thanx for showing me this path.. if i become fat and ugly an money less.. i know where to start from.. Thankyou :)



Bitchzilla on The loose.

XLMIC said...

Clearly, you're feeling better :P

I always thought of cocks as pretty impulsive creatures though also creatures of habit. Didn't realize they could actually be trained... Beaten into submission, perhaps.

Jeannie said...

You wanted to get a kazillion porn search hits didn't you? Maybe from the gay sector.

Shabbygal said...

You sure would have some mean cocks! It's never to late! Get out and get you some cock! You know you want to! Traci

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Well shit. I'm unemployed. This could be MY calling. ;) Thanks for the tip!

Baloney said...

Maybe if you had written this essay in high school, you would have been on the road to cockfighting success.

Sandra said...

I was tempted to count how many times you used the word 'cock' in this post, but then I thought I might come off as seeming vulgar, and well, I just don't roll like that...

Kelley said...

Ha! You have such an awesome imagination!! I would totally be mad at my guidance counselor if I were you. Also? I totally agree that MASH should be a punishment of some sort.

SQT said...

I don't have a cock, but if I did I'd have to make sure it didn't fight yours. Man. Meaner than Naomi Campbell on a coke binge? I think you just redefined mean.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

If you replace the word "cock" with "chicken" in this post, it means a whole different thing. Not that I did that or anything. I would never tamper with a cock-laden blog post.

Heather said...

I am so inspired. I am going to go get me some cock today.

That didn't sound appropriate.

I am really sad you feel washed up at your young age. Go beat up the counselor and then maybe you will feel invigorated enough to start your new business.

heartinhand said...

I just read an article about a guy who tied a knife to his cock and then when the cockfight started, the cock stabbed HIM in the leg and he died.

Dodged a bullet there, dude!

KittyCat said...

Ummmm isnt cock fighting bad?
I think your better needed in the healthcare field.

I have health issues and I could certainly use you and your cock experence.

Just sayin

Heff said...

I started out as a cockfighter, but I just couldn't keep it up....

Anna said...

Heff did not take you seriously.

Osbasso said...

I'm not sure that I've ever given so much consideration to cock.

I've been sent some pictures of cocks that you might be interested in standing up for you. Let me know if you want me to forward them to you.

Shawn said...

You just managed to use one of my least favorite words, cock, repeatedly, and a horrible "pass-time" in the same post all while making me laugh!

Now I'm giggling like a schoolgirl at the underlying innuendoes and honestly cannot wait for my DH to get home! Hurry home Babe, I see a good old fashion cockfight in our near future!

Deborah said...

OMG the comments are almost as good as the post.

Almost.

JUST ME said...

You said cock so many times, I'm getting a hankering for a Chippendales show...

Peter said...

I'd revolutionize cockfight training. I know how to coax the best from my cocks
I'd revolutionize cockfight training. I know how to coax the best from my cocks
I'd revolutionize cockfight training. I know how to coax the best from my cocks.
There ya go LBB, but I couldn't understand why you wanted this line cut and pasted into a comment....... Ooops I just re-read it... you said don't cut and paste this line into a comment, my bad.... to late though coz I kinda think it fits.

thoughtsappear said...

I can't read this post...it has the "c" word in it.

tornwordo said...

trex made me burst out laughing. And it's true what rox said. Some guy's cock actually stabbed him and killed him.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

But...if you beat up your guidance counselor, you might end up taking care of him/her. Since you're a healer & stuff.
I think "henfidelity" should be a new word.

Mona said...

Ah! Butt! This is what I call 'Art of an Essayist' You almost made it as good as Francis Bacon , and I would call you bacon, if there was no Chicken involved!

This post is Aphoristic!