2/15/2011

LBB, fast-food critic

The culinary world is void of fast-food critics. That shouldn't be.  After all, that's what we eat the most. So I’ve volunteered.  I’ve reviewed America’s most popular fast-food franchises and published it for my readers. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed eating it. And more important, I hope it makes you a more informed consumer. Caveat Emptor!

Carl’s Jr.: Huge burgers, so bring your appetite (and a fly swatter).

Filiberto‘s: Good fare, and it qualifies as diet food as you will void it in the form of diarrhea before your intestines have time to assimilate the nutrients. Many people with bowel obstructions find the food at Filiberto’s both delicious and therapeutic.

Mc Donald’s: They must glue the employee smiles in place with the same bonding agent they mix into their shakes.

Taco Bell: Medical researchers have proven Taco Bell’s food “the best agent for absorbing excessive alcohol and alleviating hang-overs in college kids.”

Whataburger: A redneck favorite and rightfully so; if you have a tattoo on your breast, you get 50 cents off a combo-meal of your choice.

Jack-in-the-Box: Come for the food. Stay for the gangland ambience and because the hoodlums working the grill have already stolen your rims. (Say, did you ever notice the one white guy working at Jack-in-the-Box has this desperate look in his eyes like he’s being held hostage: “I can’t talk right now, but please SEND HELP”).

Arby’s: For all you senior citizens who were bilked out of your pension plans and live on a fast-food budget, Arby’s is the place. The average age of their patrons may be 79.5 years, but there’s nothing average about their Big Montana Roast Beef Sandwich.

Wienerschnitzel: They do miracles with a hotdog. Strangely, this franchise enjoys a large gay demographic.

Burger King: They live up to their promise. They do it your way -- as long as “your way” means whatever way the retarded kid working the register pressed the bright, colorful buttons on the metal box thingy. 

Subway: If you believe Jared lost 280 pounds eating 12” meatball sandwiches with provolone cheese and marinara sauce, then stop into Subway today and eat one with a side of baked fries and diet soda. Only 2350 calories.



In-N-Out Burger:  I went in and out without ordering my food because the place was as crowded as a Justin Biebowitz concert.  What's that li'l bastard's name?  With the haircut?  Biebowitz.  That's it.  Anyway, why was In-N-Out so crowded?  It must have been hand-job day or something.    

25 comments:

Budd said...

I think starbuck's has that day.

Carl's Jr says your an unfit mother.

Penny Lane said...

I think you should take thus to the streets!but be careful, a bad review could turn out to be bad news bearcats for you

Jeannie said...

I'm disappointed. I have no experience of many of these and didn't see many that are in our area.

I think I could probably cut, and paste under familiar names anyway.

Well done.

XLMIC said...

Sooooo glad i wasn't in the middle of a beverage when I read this...

Perfect!!!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Hahaha fast food critic. LOVE IT.

These are great, especially the Arby's one. I thought I was the only one who noticed that everyone at Arby's is over 70. Lol.

Impulsive Addict said...

I've never heard of Filiberto's but if it makes me shed weight via diarrhea, then it may be worth it.

We also don't have Wienerschnitzel or In-N-Out burger. Sounds like us Oklahomans are missin' out!

Justin Biebowitz! Bwhahahahahaha! Ask your wife. She'll probably know his craptastic name. What's so awesome about him? I mean, seriously?

Shawn said...

I may have to pass on Filiberto's. I try to steer clear of places that will make me have to "pinch a penny" the entire drive home!

I think I saw Justin Bieber at Wienerschnitzels....I so knew Selena Gomez was his beard!

So that's what the "special sauce" is at
In-N-Out Burger?

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Baked fries? For real?
Sometimes fast food is a necessary evil. And I ALWAYS pay for it later.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

When I was young, before Arby's became a senior citizen hang-out, I used to pack away two Arby Kings, potato pancakes and a jamocha shake. In about 10 minutes. And I weighed roughly 105 pounds. The power of the adolescent girl.

C... said...

In-and-Out is always super crowded! What are you talking about? And Taco Bell is like the exlax of fast food. You better be near a toilet 30 minutes later. Jack in the Box tacos are so good ... I don't know why. The last time I was in Los Angeles. I ordered two tacos and a diet coke. The drive-thru fatty only gave me my tacos so I had to use my debit card again to pay for the drink. How do you screw up an easy order like that? Maybe she had rims on the brain.

thoughtsappear said...

I may be the youngest person at Arby's, but I'm also the only one who won't die of high cholesterol after eating the Beef and Cheddar. I love that sandwich!

KittyCat said...

Dude I dont eat at any of those places. : (

How about a review at some vegan or veggie place.

Just sayin I would read it. : )

Evil Twin's Wife said...

What about Wendy's? My personal fave.

I think BKs fries are gross!

Jess said...

Your BK comment is so right and so wrong, all at once. Which is why I feel (a little) guilty for laughing at it. :-)

heartinhand said...

I ate at Arby's the other day! You know why old people eat there? Easy to chew.

Mona said...

In & out Burger? The one that sent Paris Hilton in and out of Jail?

Subway sandwich is a killer.

In India we they have Indianized McDonald. Google Aalo tikki burger and see...

jennykate77 said...

It's BIEBER. Get it right.

I love me some Taco Hell. Just get me drunk and call me a college student.

You didn't have Taco Bueno on there...another fine fast food establishment.

I don't know what Wienershnitzels is...sounds gay. I can see that.

THIS IS ME....ONLINE said...

I agree with most of your critique, but don't be messing with Whataburger. That is the first place that we stop our non-redneck car every time we cross over the Texas border. Also, I've been loving Wienerschnitzel since they were called Der Wienerschnitzel. Wish I lived close to one now. Don't forget Chick-fi-let (Chic-O-Lay as we call it) or Zaxby's. Zaxby's makes the best salads. YES, I do know my fast food.

Mamarazzi said...

funny post. i am not a fan of fast food...in fact i have NEVER eaten at a McDonalds in my life.

true story.

the smell has always triggered my gag reflex, even as a small child. and to this very day.

i also know if my husband or daughter has eaten it, i smell it on them. it is a VERY distinct odor.

it. is. gross.

thanks for stopping by my blog, now enable your email...stop being a rebel, it isn't cute.

at. all.

LadyHAHA said...

did you know the 'not so secret menu' that In & Out has? If not, that's probably why you didn't like it that much.

I'm a Carl's Jr. whore myself...

Nadine2point0 said...

Hilarious. Need to share this and your other posts, that I happily discovered moments ago,with my husband...very funny.

Deborah said...

For real? In-N-Out? Is this like Come N Go or Pump and Munch? Just askin'.

Taco Bell has taken over for White Castle!

6 Happy Hearts said...

I have been boycotting you on accident. Now I know why...tatoos & whataburger?! Dude - one of the best fast food places ever!!!
You are one funny boy - BK & Wieners - hilarious!
We had Wienerschnitzel's here in OK - however they are all gone.It must have been the gay thing.
We just got our first, ultra-mod JITB. For some reason, I can't eat there unless it's 2am?!
Love me some INO. And you know you have the fever. Don't make fun of his rockin' hair LOL.

Mrs4444 said...

Hey, you forgot to mention that Taco Bell is the best place to pick up food poisoning (or so the E.R. doctor told me when I was there for said ailment. Something about the "loose meat" sitting in a warming tray all day.)

Elisabeth Black said...

I don't know what I found funnier, your thoughts on Fast food or your followers comments. In either case I say "Well Done."

Part Two Should include White Castle, Fazoli's and whatever other local chains others might come up with.