More cool things I'd like to do someday

  • Make my way into a fancy restaurant without a reservation by brandishing a money clip full of 20's in front of the maitre d'.  Ah, yes.  I believe we can accommodate you after all, sir.  
  • Escape a situation by taking a tablecloth, towel, leather belt or other textile, slinging it over a telephone line, and sliding to safety.  Land in patch of vegetation which cushions fall.
  • Catch home intruder by assembling likeness of myself under sheets of my bed with pillows and a bowling ball.  Bad guy thinks I'm sleeping.  He moves in for easy kill, draws back the sheets, discovers decoy.  Too late.  I've already clocked him with a lamp post. Surprise, bitch.
  • Retreat from gunfire by ascending fire escape.  Bing, bing, bing.  Sparks along fire escape.  None hit me. 
  • Decapitate venomous snake with a machete just before it bites my unsuspecting wife who's chattering away, oblivious to the danger.
  • Solve murder mystery dinner party.  Explain my brilliant deductions while wearing tuxedo and sipping brandy from a snifter.  Draw round of applause from guests.  On drive home, other couples' wives remark how clever I am.  Disgruntled husbands bark "He's not so damn clever as he thinks" or words to that effect.  
  • Make a temporary repair to failed electronic device by using foil gum wrapper.
  • Dig up some dirt on a colleague by stealing their notebook and then lightly scribbling a pencil across the page and highlighting the text artifact left by whatever he or she wrote on the page above it.
  • Locate buried treasure or downed top secret military aircraft using a map found in old library book nobody ever checks out.  Outwit native peoples guarding said treasure/aircraft.  Publish adventure in Archeology Monthly magazine.
  • Hot-wire a vehicle for use in an emergency situation, preferably getting woman in labor to hospital.
  • [This one is unlikely until somebody invents time travel]  Travel back in time with friends in makeshift time machine.  Arrive in unfamiliar place.  A friend asks, Where are we?  Then the science buff responds with, Not where -- when are we?  Note:  I don't want to be the scientist guy who says that.  I want to be the guy who punches him in the face.  Gaywad.
  • Take a shortcut that my friends are afraid to take because of the perceived danger.  Arrive safely.  Wait for them to arrive some time later.  Ask them rhetorically, "What took you guys so long?"  Alpha male, yo!
  • Force car salesman to lower price 500 dollars immediately after he quotes me the first price by remaining silent and raising my eyebrow in a "we both know there's room to negotiate here" facial gesture.   


Rach said...

I loved the 3rd and 9th one..
funny!! :)

Bitchzilla on The loose.

TS Hendrik said...

Hilarious post. The one about punching the scientist really had me laughing.

Not So Simply Single said...

Sounds like you would like to be the next James Bond 007...

But you are so witty... I guess you would be the Peter Sellers version of 007.

Hm. That would be interesting.

Must witness you in a tux.

Next photo shoot, have tux ready.


jennykate77 said...

Sooooo, basically you want to be a cross between Indiana Jones, MacGyver, and Marty McFly??

I'm diggin' it.

Deborah said...

'[this one is unkely . . .]'

This one made me laugh the hardest!

Shawn said...

Has someone been watching MacGyver?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I've done that last one. "Can't you do any better on the price?" He shaved off $500. :-) Yay me, for being such a shameless cheapskate.

K. Syrah said...

One obviously cannot claim to have ahd a fulfilled life without accomplishing every one of these.

Particularly the snake machete. That's just... epic.

Christopher said...

Not only should you do all that, you should film it because I'd totally watch that movie.

Budd said...

I think they will go down $500 for that.

Anonymous said...

Love these lists!


Jeannie said...

Foil gum wrapper? I thought it was the foil from a cigarette package - and you can! I'm pretty sure my husband used a bit of foil to temporarily replace a fuse once.

You have an exciting imagination. Sometimes you don't aim so high - the whole murder mystery thing? Perhaps you watch a lot of movies. Maybe the murder mystery could turn out to be real! That would be awesome as long as it was the Gaywad from the time machine incident who gets it.

Fashion Nicotine said...

Haha I'd like that first one too!

KittyCat said...

Your like Indian Jones?

gadgets and stuff


Anna said...

"unsuspecting wife who's chattering away"

Man! Why are we always unsuspecting and chattering away? It's so true.

(I'm here from TS's The Non-Review. Your name drew me here like a moth to a lightning bug's butt. Which is kinda freaky if you think about it.)

Penny Lane said...

I believe you have the wit and potential to possibly live the coolest life ever.

Shabbygal said...

Out of all those only one you found to be unlikely? You crack me up!

Impulsive Addict said...

How long does it take you to think these things up? They're very well thought out and totally doable...except the "going back in time" thing.

Oh, and the buried treasure one.

And the gunfire one.

And the intruder one. I'm pretty sure you'd pee yourself if it happened.

I'm right and you know it.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

These are awesome. I could picture you doing every single one. Hilariously. :P

My dad is the king of the very last one. He's gotten brand new cars for $5000 less than the asking price in 20 minutes just by being scary...it's a trait I wish I inherited...sigh.

Have a great weekend!

Mona said...

I Have already done the last one!! Beat you there! :D :D

heartinhand said...

What's it like inside your head? I'm guessing it's kind of like a pinball machine...ding ding ding we have a winner!

Why stop at 500 dollars? Why not go for 600? =)

6 Happy Hearts said...

Did you say "gaywad"?!
I was totally feeling the 007 vibe until that one LOL.

Philosophia said...

I love these lists of yours about what you want to do someday. I'd like to do the hot-wire a vehicle as well, and force a salesman to lower a price that much, cause there's nothing better than a good haggle. ;)

thoughtsappear said...

I would love to learn to hot wire a vehicle period. Not just for an emergency situation.

Mrs4444 said...

You're such a deep thinker; do you write this stuff sober? Very impressive!