2/10/2011

Thoughtprints

  • Headline this week:  Pharmacy accidentally gives pregnant woman abortion pill.  "Gee, my headache still hurts, but the swelling in my belly is gone!"
  • A congressman sent a picture of himself with his shirt off to a woman on a Craigslist ad. When confronted, he offered what some say is a flimsy excuse: He was "just producing a visual aid for how Congress is taxing the shirts off our backs."
  • I was playing an arcade game at the local pizza shop yesterday. Just before the game started a message from the FBI popped up: "Don't use drugs. Only losers use drugs." Hey dudes, I'm a 40-year-old man drinking beer and shooting cartoon zombies in the middle of the day. It's a little late to warn me about becoming a loser.
  • Michelle Obama insists her husband does NOT dye his hair. She admitted that he does occasionally lighten the Department of the Treasury.
  • Dallas gives Michael Vick the Key to the City, which is weird because where he's from he couldn't get elected dog catcher.
  • Why does a 104 degree day feel so lousy when a 140 degree sauna feels so good?  I think this is loosely related to the phenomenon where when your mom makes a sandwich it somehow tastes better than when you make it yourself.
  • When I'm feeling particularly sadistic, I'll bring my laptop into my work's IT department and turn it off before shutting down Windows.  It's like fingernails on the chalkboard to those dweebs.  Those guys are so high and mighty about shutting Windows down first.  But I'll bet they revise their position when they're watching porn and the HR girl walks by.
  • Here's another way to have fun: when you're in a line where you have to wait for your number to be called, play a word game.  Every time the girl calls a number, announce the significance of that number.  For instance, "Number 34?"  "Walter Peyton!"  "Number 2?"  "Another term for poop!"  "Number 7?"  "Number of Police Academy sequels!"  "Number 90?"  "The length of Mr. Bilbo in centimeters [gesture to your crotch for this one]."
  • In movies, when a couple is dancing, why can a stranger come up and ask, "Can I cut in?"  And the other dude lets him!  That would never happen in real life.  Can you imagine the balls?  "Hey, I know you've got a lot of leg-work invested in this lady, what with the surf-and-turf and cocktails and all.  But now that you've got her softened up and drunk, I'd like a shot at her.  Do you mind?"  Get lost, dude!  Here's a 10-spot.  Go have the men's room attendant jerk you off.  You're not dancing with my date, bro!
  • When somebody farts, I like to tell them conflatulations.  Who wouldn't appreciate a little levity when they've embarrassed themselves?  Then I give them a round of applause, which I like to call my "sarcasticlap.  Take a bow, Theresa [sarcasticlapping].  Way to convert that protein matter to methane! 
  • Sometimes I worry about the recession.  I've found that I can soothe my fears by remembering that I can buy two McDoubles and a bottomless Coke at McDonald's for 3 bucks -- and a bottle of Ten High Whiskey still costs a mere $8.99.  Fuck a recession, yo. 


20 comments:

XLMIC said...

#3 really got me.

Then the numbers game *really* hit me hard! And then it was all over after that...

You are just too funny for words!

Impulsive Addict said...

Oh sweet LBB, what are we going to do with you?? LOL!

Isn't it sad that poor people can save money by eating off of a dollar menu?

My husband would totally let someone cut in IF we were dancing (which we wouldn't be). He doesn't have a jealous bone in his body and it pisses me right off!

Mona said...

Oh! I didn't know that YOU were that preggi woman...

Do congressmen in America often play Dumb Charade?

Its never too late... to become a loser...

He doesn't? And I always thought that Obama streak dyed his hair white !! Stupid me!

That is because you PAID for the sauna silly!

yea... that is human nature... to go ahead and do what is forbidden...porn or no porn...

And will the diameter of an asshole be described in millimeters???

yea. Some fools do all the cooking, while some smart alecs enjoy the cooked meal...

Whew! its nice to know, that we humans are also contributing to producing methane. The poor bovine was getting all the blame!

Can you be more specific about how one fucks the recession?

Christopher said...

I couldn't stop laughing when I read about that congressman. I wonder if him and Brett Favre are buddies.

Not So Simply Single said...

OMG I am laughing so hard at number one, how can I read number two?

And another way to have fun...that is classic crazy. I bet you are just too much fun at every party.

How do you ever take exrays? Are you mute so your clients will stay still.

Just saying.

Lisa

Impulsive Addict said...

I can't tell you since you WON'T enable your no-reply comment thingy!! ;)

So...you'll have to wait 2 hours for the answer. That's when my Friday Confessional post will be up!

Mona said...

That Lee fellow is apologizing I heard.

Big Butt. Visit my blog!

Jeannie said...

Don't know where to start.

You crack me up.

jennykate77 said...

Conflatulations. I'm so using that ASAP. I might even throw in a sarcasticlap...that's the term, right?

You last line makes me laugh. What recession?

The congress dude taking his shirt off...I think that's such a minor offense. I don't see what people are getting so worked up about.

Paul said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chapter Two said...

you do know I shouldn't laugh, hurts the cut tummy muscles. but yet I did. ahhh well. maybe it's good medicine

Ashley said...

lol...just what I needed for this Mundane Friday...

thoughtsappear said...

McDonald's has bottomless Cokes?

Even though you don't like German chocolate, we're still cool.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

I LOVE sarcasticlapping and will start doing it immediately.

Shawn said...

I'm here because IA says I must visit you!

If I played the number game at the grocery store deli with my daughter she would die! Insert evil laugh here!

Cranflatuations? That is great!

Recession? What recession? Have you seen the line that wraps around Chick-Fil-A or tried to find a parking spot at the mall lately?

Deborah said...

The IT thoughtprint is brilliant!

Why oh why didn't I EVER think to do that to my IT department. Those guys used to drive me insane.

Where have you been all my life?? I need your brain.

Mrs4444 said...

Dude! Is your email address a secret?! I need to send you something!

LOVED the sauna and conflatulations bits best--Hilarious!

Baloney said...

My husband would pay you $10 to dance with me. He refuses to.
I'm wondering just how often people fart in front of you? Happens all the time here at my house (house of boys, you know) - you feeding people beans at work or something?

heartinhand said...

I can't stand any temperature even near 100! It's why I live in the north.

Nobody cuts in on us either. We're too into each other when we're dancing. Wow, that sounded creepier that it really is.

Trooper Thorn said...

We need some rim-shot sound effects.