3/25/2011

Good evening, health food and germs

I don't believe health food prevents disease and illness. Think about it.  What is illness?  It's a bunch of microorganisms -- virus or bacteria -- taking a foothold in your body and looking for a place to set up shop.  The little bastards are shopping for biological real estate.  Ideally, they want a place with with a warm climate, a nice view of the liver from the backyard, and located close to a major artery going downtown.  And just between you and me: preferably a neighborhood with no whites -- blood cells, that is.

Given the above, doesn't it make sense to make your body as inhospitable as possible?  If you were a germ, where would you rather hang out?  In a tropical paradise where fresh fruits, vegetables and whole grains nourish a pristine ecosystem?  Or a wasteland composed of hardened Twinkie cream, Slim Jims, chicken wings and cheap tequila?

I don't have any scientific evidence to back this up, but common sense says the germs are going to run like hell from bodies chock full of junk food, and they won't stop running until reach the colon of a health-conscience, vegetarian yoga instructor.  Serves him right.  I hope it hits just when he’s doing is “praying dog” pose.  Whoa, 9 months of pretentious, alternative lifestyle posing down the drain in one inopportune episode of flatulence.  Sorry ladies.  Don't let the pony tail and the Prius fool you.  He's a pig just like the rest of us.  Say, do they make healing crystals for a case of the winds?

You know what food trend I'm hating on?  Energy drinks.  Are people mental?  Hey dude, do you really think you're going to counteract 12 whiskey sours and 19 minutes of sleep with a can of sugar water and ginseng?  Face it, dude.  You're worthless for the rest of the day.  You could drink jet fuel out of the spigot with a blow torch chaser.  You wouldn't have the energy to blow your nose.  You want the energy of a "rock star?"  Stay at home, jerk off and go to bed at a decent hour.  You're a 38-year-old accountant, not Axl Rose.

How about the names they slap on the side of the can to sell this overpriced Kool-Aid:  Rock Star, Monster, Overdrive, Donkey Kick, Dragon Piss, Hulk's Scrotum Sweat...

We get it.  It's loaded with "energy."  You're not getting $3.59 for a glorified soda pop.

I've digressed.  Anyway, in conclusion, screw health food and energy drinks.

30 comments:

Not So Simply Single said...

You are hilarious. I think you are right...germs love health food.

Maybe I should eat more potato chips, burgers and tequila....what a concept.

I think energy drinks are a waste of money...I stick to my coffee, thats enough of a jolt for me...

Happy Friday...

Lisa

C... said...

LMAO - Hulk's Scrotum sweat ... dayum!!! Some people would pay to lick those sweaty pair of fuzz balls. LOL

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Haha I like your junk food theory. Very clever. :) And I agree with you on energy drinks. They're a load of crap. No one needs them. I saw Rock Star energy gum at the grocery store last week. Umm....

XLMIC said...

I always know that when I come read your stuff I will leave a pound lighter from the water weight I shed in tears from laughing so dang hard! OMG. Don't get me started on Slim Jims...lol. My husband and I have so many Slim Jim jokes. We gave them up when we went vegan... sticking to cheetos now... those are vegan, right? I know Twinkies are ;-) "Stay at home, jerk off and go to bed at a decent hour." Pearls, LBB. You are feeding us genyouwine pearls of wisdom.

Gucci Mama said...

That is so brilliant. Anything that justifies scrapping the diet for junk food is something I can quickly get behind.

Shawn said...

You lost me a cheap tequila. Really? That's a friendship breaker right there!

But I came back and just in time to be entertained with your Prius driving, pony tail wearing farting yogaist (is that a word?). I'll let you know about the crystals for excessive tooting after my trip to Carrot Country tomorrow.

I can't wait to tell my hubby all he has to do, since he's a pencil pusher and all, is jerk off and call it an early night to feel more energized. He's had me convinced for years that I was part of the solution. It looks like Mamma may get a few nights off this week! Thanks LBB, I'll be sure to tell him he has you to thank!

XLMIC said...

I never know how to answer questions people ask in my comments…do they really come back to see if I answered? And you have no email link. So I'm hijacking here…sorry. That picture of me with Fidel Castro…I have a tab at the top of my blog called "XLMIC…is it 1,059?" I talk about that moment in the Stylish Blogger post, where there is also a pic of me as a pregnant dominatrix (scary…beware). 1991 PanAm Games, rowing silver medal. I'm not a commie but my kids do go to a french school. Lol.

XLMIC said...

And I forgot to ask…did you VOTE? LOL

I am up against Charo and David Duchovny. I need all the votes I can get ;-)

Bitchzilla On the Loose said...

ALso, the germs are health conscious(yeah, why do you think they reproduce so fast?? try eating half digested food and u'll grow a baby-yard), they too want a long peaceful and nutritious life. So i guess they will prefer vegetable,fibres and proteins instead of vodka and beer.


Bitchzilla on The loose.

heartinhand said...

I not only agree with your theory, I support it wholeheartedly! This explains why I choose to survive on wine and Hint of Lime Tostitos. And Lasagna.

I'm going to live forever! Just like Cher. And cockroaches.

SQT said...

I was with you until the energy drinks. OMG. Do you know how much I love my Monsters? I can't drink coffee. Never liked the taste. So energy drinks are the elixir of the gods as far as I'm concerned. And don't make the mistake of thinking they're healthy. Good God. Do you know how much caffeine is in one of those things? Bliss.

The only thing better was when I went to school in Japan. They sell caffeine gum there. I kid you not. I wish I had bought that stuff by the truckload. It was awesome.

Deborah said...

Yay! Doritos are safe from germs! Whoooo ha!

I can't stop laughing about ponytails and Prius'. I TOTALLY lived in that neighborhood. Those little Lululemon-wearing girls carrying their mats, drinking their SmartWater, and heading to the STUDIO for yoga.

Now I won't be so jealous.

Doritos for breakfast too right?

Jeannie said...

I think you are probably right about the health food/germ issue. The whole energy drink thing is a scam. Energy=calories! Steer clear unless you are anorexic or getting over a wasting disease.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Granolitarians are ruining the world. You're better off eating the plastic tub of "margarine" than just having a decent amount of butter. It won't kill you! LOL. I also hate those energy drinks. With my high blood pressure, I'm afraid I'd stroke out if I had one.

Mrs4444 said...

You truly are brilliant and original; that first paragraph especially is genius. I'm sorry I don't get over here more often.

I was just talking with my principal this week about kids getting sick/dying from drinking energy drinks; they're really trouble.

Baloney said...

I agree with one exception. It's always great to begin an evening out with Sugar-Free Monster and Vodka with a splash of cranberry juice.
Just sayin'.

tattytiara said...

I'm fine as long as I get my daily dose of vitamin C(affeine).

Impulsive Addict said...

So my old faithful from my days as a partier (Red Bull and Vodka) wouldn't pass your test, would it? DAMN IT. That was a GREAT drink too.

Thank goodness I've moved on to the Captain. I know deep down in places you don't like to talk about, you approve.

Healthy food is for suckers.

Mona said...

Oh!

No wonder I have been so lousy lately. I will go and gorge on real grub!

LBB, That virus has taken territory in my lower back and is gorging on my cells, faster than anti oxidants! BOO HOO! :(

Mona said...

Correction: Free radicals.

I can't even think right!

Kelley said...

Oh, man, you make so much sense. How are you not the king of the blogosphere yet? You make sense AND you're funny! Such an awesome combination!

thoughtsappear said...

This explains alot. Including my recent cold. Eating healthy = me getting a cold. Twinkies here I come!

Penny Lane said...

It's like lice, they like clean hair. Who wants to live in filth?

I think I hate energy drinks, because I wish they'd work. I am bitter towards them and go on about how they are overpriced and dumb, but really I just want them to deliver on their promises.

Ashley said...

Yes....energy drinks are soooo horrible!! They are not even approved by the FDA, which sucks!

However...the healthy food thing....hmmm...I definitely have to think about that one. I surely have not eaten as healthy as I did in say...5th grade when mom and dad were cooking everything for me and everything was grown from our garden...however, I was sick...ALL OF THE TIME...with strep and tonsillitis. Once I got my tonsils out and I, at this time, was in college eating whatever I could afford (well...I guess that's now too!)

Anywhoo...I'm not sure what to think. I actually don't think me eating healthy food contributes to my sicknesses...I think it was all about the climate I was living in and the fact that I still had my tonsils.

Xazmin said...

Bahahaha! I've never had an energy drink. Wait. I've never had health food either. Guess I'm good.

Anonymous said...

LBB, I think I found your spiritual blogging buddy:

http://presstotest.blogspot.com/

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

And how about those people who work in health food grocery stores? I used to occasionally go into Fresh Fields and I wanted to sit them all down and give them a big steak dinner. They look like they're going to fall over from malnutrition.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

I love that you just said "soda pop." Whenever we would move to a new place, more often than not, my use of the word "pop" instead of "soda" was met with weird stares. Some people thought I meant a "shot" as in, "I think I'll have a 'shot' right here at the PTA meeting."

Not So Simply Single said...

Where the hell are you? I am missing your funny take on life oh foxy one....

Lisa

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

Now wait a minute. Hulk's Scrotum Sweat is FDA approved....