3/17/2011

Headline news

Headline:  Gadhafi vows to crush "Mad Max" rebels.  Mel Gibson responds, "Hey, why me?  I beat women and hate the Jews just like you do."


Headline:  At least 20 motorists hit body on L.A. freeway.  Eighteen reported recognizing body as Ryan Secreast beforehand. 


Headline:  World's sixth mass extinction underway according to scientists.  However, it won't claim as my species.  So far, only two-and-a-half men have died.

Headline:  Gang member tortures victims by placing head in bag of sliced onions.  Judge sentences assailant to jalapeño suppository.  You have to love that creative sentencing program!


Headline:  Judge awards homeless father custody of child.  However, court declares cardboard box he was living in "community property;"  must tear in half and share with ex-.


Headline:  Psychologists discover cure for chronically low self-esteem.  Advice to sufferers -- stop being a piece of garbage.


Headline:  89-year-old man lights self on fire inside church.  Children's chorus breaks out in rendition of This Little Light of Mine.


Headline:  Royal Caribbean rolls out all-you-can-drink cruise packages:  Ad features fine-print excluding Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and anybody whose last name begins with "Mc."


Headline:  Dan Quayle says of Obama, "I'm glad he's out there playing golfe." 


Movie Review:  Latest Shrek movie released.  It shrucked.   

23 comments:

Penny Lane said...

Ha-larios. Please make this a frequent thing.

jennykate77 said...

OH, LBB. You never fail to disappoint. You crack me up. Jalapeno suppository sounds like a sufficient punishment to me.

Jeannie said...

Sure glad Royal Caribbean forgot about us O's! Woohoo!

You never ever disappoint.

Impulsive Addict said...

Are these real headlines or made up in the mind of LBB? They are so hilarious yet disturbing!

Only you, LBB....

Anonymous said...

"..and anybody whose last name begins with 'Mc.' "-- that is so funny, especially on St. Patrick's Day!!

T-Rex

Shawn said...

There are a few people I would love to administer a jalapeno suppository to! "Hey asshole, bend over!" Mama Bear don't play!

Once again you made me laughe!

XLMIC said...

I read these every night to my husband when he gets home from work. He is forever impressed :) as am I.

C... said...

Jalapeno suppository? huh? Did he reply with "Go blow it your ass, your honor?" LOL

Baloney said...

No one is safe when it comes to LBB.
I'm tempted to threaten the jalapeno suppository on my 12 year old if he doesn't get his science fair project done.

Señorita said...

Too funny!! I especially liked the one with the homeless father.. :D

http://ladyonaroof.blogspot.com/

Ashley said...

You are hilarious as always...I really got a kick out of the Ryan Seacrest one.

The homeless man...custody of a child!? Great, now there will be more federal/state dollars going towards the overtime of CPS...honestly...what was the judge thinking? I hope that man gets on his feet soon! :-\

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

Funny, funny, funny. :)

heartinhand said...

You changed your profile pic! What a cute little boy you were!

The homeless guy one made me guffaw. Yes, guffaw.

Deborah said...

Yes! I agree! Make this a regular feature. so good.

Not So Simply Single said...

You are one twisted fuck. This is why I love you so much!

Lisa

Philosophia said...

Hahaha! This is very creative. Lol the homeless guy one had me cracking up too. :)

Sandra said...

You are brilliant! These headlines are the work of a creative genius!...btw, I miss your old profile pic, but that's neither here nor there.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

These are brilliant. :) And I love your new profile pic by the way. Cute, cute, cute!

Bennet said...

This blog is as Funny as a well oiled machine hammered together by the world's finest impoverished slaved Asian workers that can be made.

Mona said...

Big Butt. You are better than Congreve and Sheridan put together. You must sell these to the newspaper for a Large Pizza! :D :D

Too good ! I love that Golfe. Of Course it is golfe. If someone calls that the slip of tongue, I would say 'don't arg'!(ue)

Wow! I missed so much whist I was gone! will come back to raed all that and comment later. Its 2 am here now & I need to hit it!

Xazmin said...

"stop being a piece of garbage" best piece of advice I've heard in ages! I can't wait to pass it on to someone!

Not So Simply Single said...

In answer to your questions on my blog:

Yes, I love that I have lived in Maui for the last 13 years....

Yes, tsunami warnings are a part of island life here in Hawaii. We had to be prepared from the Chile earthquake and then the Japan earthquake. Being so isolated from everywhere is frightening at times.

The man I loved and was engaged to was an amazing salesman, athletic, healthy eater, great with money and loved to travel. However, he had a critical nature and a roving eye. (I didn't know about the ugly part till after I moved to Maui and lived with him) After three years of living together we split.

Lisa

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

Jalapeno suppository. I'm dying.

Note to self: do not read this guy's blog once the kids are sleeping.