3/15/2011

More cool things I'd like to do someday

  • Pour soda into glass with reckless abandon while onlookers panic from threat of overflow.  Fizz bulges over and stops progress just before point of no return.  Whew!   Affect look of "what the problem is?"
  • Intercept popcorn from friend who has tossed kernels in air and plans to catch with mouth.  Baffled friend thanks me when I gesture to "slow" concession stand clerk with finger up nose. 
  • Break tension at stuffy cocktail party by spelling out dirty joke to hostess (an eccentric séance enthusiast) on the Ouija board.  Terrified onlookers break into laughter as the "spirits" -- through my hands -- guide the pointer to the final letter, "K." 
  • Escape captivity by picking lock using everyday item I palmed while being apprehended.
  • While in pursuit of fugitive, jump my Toyota safely into a tractor-trailer or a river-faring barge.  Passenger in Toyota exclaims "I'm getting too old for this shit!" or words to that effect.  Also, it would be really cool if aforementioned passenger were African-American who was exasperated by my crazy antics.  But it's not necessary.
  • Extinguish candle flame with precision karate chop.  Father McMahon casts disapproving look from across church.  Toss wad of cash in collection plate.  Father McMahon nods in approval. 
  • Disentangle self from guy who shakes hands way too hard by executing judo move where you roll onto your back and kick the guy over you and then send him hurling into a garbage dumpster.  Stand up, dust self off, and explain to mesmerized female onlooker that I "simply used his own bodyweight against him."
  • Handstand vault over chain-link fence on my way to a street fight, a la Patrick Swayze in Outsiders.  Or if that proves too dangerous, introduce dancing to teen demographic in small, socially conservative town, a la Kevin Bacon.
  • Hold on a minute.... Let's DAAAANNNCCCCEEEE!!!!!
  • Fight a man gladiator style.  Subdue him with cunning move; prepare for coup de grace; look at gang leader, who signals "kill him" by dragging his index finger across his throat.  Then refuse.  Discard weapon and help opponent to his feat.  Crowd boos, gang leader sneers.  But leader's female companion observes my act of mercy curiously while blushing down below.
  • Elicit secret password to foreign military database by posing as millionaire man-about-town and romancing secret agent.  Become toast of CIA and several other intelligence agencies by preventing nuclear arms deal.
  • PS, aforementioned secret agent is a chick -- not a dude.  If it were a dude, I'd best him in a high stakes poker game and then forgive his debt in exchange for the password.  But that's moot because it's not a  dude.  It's a hot chick in an evening gown who just had her hair done.
  • Finally get my high school diploma so I can get the assistant supervisor position at Red Lobster.

19 comments:

C... said...

I personally would like to dance like MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This" just like he did, for the fun of it.

Baloney said...

Watch some good movies lately?!

Jeannie said...

They were all good but the last one killed me.

Shawn said...

Did you watch McGyver?

I think each of thee may have been an episode, except for the booger picking popcorn serving scenario!

Oh and wanting to be Patrick Swayze or Kevin Bacon {back in the day} is HAWT!

Set those goals high...go for Olive Garden!

heartinhand said...

Been watching Netflix again? LOL!

You should write about your goal of travelling to Canada and shoveling snow for some cranky old broad in the middle of nowhere.

Penny Lane said...

I think you should pick something off this list, do it, then blog about it.

Then wait for applause.

Impulsive Addict said...

I hope your everyday item that you swiped while being apprehended works. Otherwise, that would suck.

Apparently I think of CIA agents only as men. I started to get worried about you until I read the PS. I was very relieved.

Good luck on the high school diploma. I hear that GED test is pretty hard.

Happy Tuesday!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Does that Asst. Manager job come with a discount? :-)

Budd said...

as always, you are not aiming high enough.

dave said...

Have only done half of these so far . Guess I need to get busy !

Anonymous said...

African-American passenger: I'm picturing Chris Tucker or Martin Lawrence. Is that who you had in mind, or were you going more with Denzel Washington type?

T-Rex

P.S. Can you do one of these lists at least once a week? Looove them!

XLMIC said...

Where do you come up with this stuff? I am suffocating in the cloffice here trying to subdue my laughter so I don't wake up my napping child.

You are definitely on par with Charlie Sheen in the 'genius' department ;-)

kitkat said...

hahahaha! goodluck with doing all that.. ur definitely sumthing lol

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Oh dear. Are you serious about the last one? I'm sorry.

Hehe. Just kidding.

These are awesome. And now that I know what you look and sound like, I can totally imagine you doing all of these things. It's like playing LBB: The Movie in my head! Hahaha! Creepy? Maybe. Awesome? YES.

Ashley said...

sounds like legit goals to me. I will volunteer to be the passenger in said Toyota running onto barge, even though I'm not African/American. :-)

Bennet said...

Very funny.

I always did like the Sean Connery, and Roger Moore James Bond. Sex sex sex, non-stop except for the occasional possibility of death. On his off time did he ever get tired of sex? Did he say things like:" No, not right now, I'm not on the clock, darling. Perhaps I'll fit you in next week between trying to disarm a missile."?

Xazmin said...

Hmmm...I've totally done pretty much all of these things.

Except the last one.

Okay, I'm kidding. I totally have my high school diploma.

Mona said...

what the problem is??? sounds like a blocked vas difference...

I guess the items will have to be asked to place themselves strategically while you are being apprehended...

Tut Tut..do I smell a bigot?

Father mc mahon is a real professional priest...

I don't think that the mesmerized female might approve. all you know, he could be her BF Maybe she was petrified!


( I just did a jig)

huh? is that what females out there do when they say 'God have mercy on us"??? :O

I guess you would have learned the secret about the Secret Agent's sex via Wikileaks!

what is red lobster?

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

I am a general manager's supervisory assistant and napkin folding trainer at Red Lobster... I'll totally put in a good word for you!

The other stuff... good luck!