3/22/2011

On traffic statute infractions and their underlying psychological causes

Every motorist knows the roadway is a chute to the primal rage and hatred of the human psyche.  Driving can turn Mother Theresa into homicidal maniac.  Nobody is immune.  Everybody drives angry.  But why?  Driving infuriates us because it has a clear, concise and comprehensive body of rules -- which we insist on breaking.  Because there's always a rule, there's always a person in the right and another in the wrong.  One feels aggrieved and the other, unfairly persecuted.  Both become angry.  Driving invokes our sense of justice and fair play, and when a fellow motorist treads on these sensibilities, we turn into bloodthirsty vehicular vigilantes who dispense justice in horn blasts, obscenities and finger gestures.  But I'd like the reader to consider that traffic infractions aren't shortcomings in moral turpitude, but rather manifestations of psychological pathology.  That is, bad drivers aren't discourteous.  They're sick.   Examples and analyses follow:


Failure to use turn indicator:  People believe those who fail to use a turn signal are inconsiderate drivers.  This is false.  The truth is, some people feel self-absorbed when signalling.  They think, "Why should others care where I'm going?"  "Why do I feel the need to broadcast every move I plan to make?  Isn't that what Twitter is for?"  Essentially, the person who fails to signal turns suffers from low self-esteem.  So stop hating them and start pitying them.

Tailgating:  You don't need Dr. Freud's help to figure this one out.  Tailgaters are revealing their unconscious, repressed desire for anal sex with another man.  Keep ridin' that bro-dozer on my Toyota's bumper.  That's as close as you're getting, gaymo. 

Disturbing the peace with a car sound system:  Your state likely has a traffic ordinance prohibiting audible music more than 75 feet away.  Two psychological conditions prompt motorists to disobey this law, and we distinguish one from the other by musical taste -- rap or country.  The former mistakenly believes his penis is abnormally large; the latter fears his penis is abnormally small.  The latter is correct.  

Unsafe lane change (cutting off):  Some drivers insist on making abrupt lane changes before establishing safe following distance from the car in the destination lane (usually while failing to signal). These drivers fear being what Spaniards refer to as cabrons  -- men whose wives are fucking the pool boy.  Compulsive lane changing and cutting off other drivers are subconscious "cock-blocks" in which the perpetrator satisfies the urge to thwart other motorists in lieu of obstructing other penises from his wife's vagina.  

Excessive speeding:  Understand this is not the 5-over speeder most of us are or with whom we sympathize.  This is the maniac who barrels down Broadway at 70 mph in a 40-zone, even as he sees the red light ahead.  While it's possible he's a dipshit who watched Fast & Furious too many times, the more likely diagnosis is an acute case of diarrhea threatening the custom leather interior.   

Fluctuating speed: likely indicates a premature ejaculator whose condition conjures cognitive dissonance with steady speed and frequency.  He has compulsions to abruptly slow or halt progress until he can recover his composure, whereupon he scrambles to make up for lost time by jolting forward.  The cycle repeats itself multiple times until everyone around him is disappointed.   

The guy who doesn't pull all the way up to the light or to the car in front of him at a red light:  You know this guy, right?  But I'll bet you didn't know the reason --- he's a compulsive masturbator trying to conceal his habit by avoiding side-to-side alignment with onlookers.

Swerving:  This driver frequently drifts to the border of his lane and straddles it for miles, prompting other drivers to take evasive action against an unsafe lane change.  This habit is the tell of a man struggling to make a major life change.  It could be whether to subscribe to that Time-Life Books of the Supernatural series, or whether to join Team Edward or Team Jacob.  Another and more likely explanation is fighting to get in touch with his gayness and/or transvestitism. 

Single passenger driving in car pool lane: indicates multiple personality disorder (alternate personalities are likely queer).

Driving too slow while in passing lane:  No psychological pathology.  This guy's just an imbecile.  Feel free to hate on him with impunity.

22 comments:

Shawn said...

OK now that I have been educated and have come close to wetting myself more than once you need to fess up! Exactly what type of driver are you?

I'll be waiting....

Impulsive Addict said...

I always use my blinker. However, I tailgate the douchebags that don't go the speed limit and won't let me pass. I will then proceed to do an unsafe lane change to get around them at the next opportunity followed by excessive speeding because chances are, this a-hole made me late. I may have a small road rage problem.

C'mon. I love Rap music and I don't have a penis. Now what?

JUST ME said...

What about the person who beeps at you when you don't IMMEDIATELY do a "right on red"?? I think this person just wants me dead, because rushing to take a right turn on a red light without making sure no one else is coming is a pretty safe way to get yourself smashed into.

C... said...

I sense other men piss you off more than women drivers. You did not really associate your psychological diagnosis to those of us without the added appendage which prevents men in your area from driving without homosexual tendencies. I speed a lot however usually going about 15 to 20 miles of the speed limit because I am perpetually running late. My problem is I have a child who moves like a senior citizen and I get stuck behind senior citizen drivers to boot.

Shawn said...

I would love to share the details of my GNO and that spectacular picture and if I had your email address I would. But you're such a hardass and refuse to join in on the "down with the no-reply" movement that I can't share anything with you.

I guess you'll email me if you want to see them that bad!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

These are awesome!! Ugh, I get such horrible road rage sometimes, that is really does bother me. I should probably watch myself or I'll end up pissing off the guy who carries a baseball bat in his car or something. :S

But yeah, for example, when it comes to people tailing me, when I'm already going ten over the speed limit, I tend to slow down reaaaaaally slow just to piss them off. I'm such a bitch. Lol.

XLMIC said...

I am laughing too hard to leave a coherent comment! O my god... this is just too funny! I am about to head out into the thick of it and I'll be thinking of these while I drive amongst these people... awesome! I won't be angry... I'll be laughing my ass off!

Jeannie said...

I think you may be 100% correct!

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

I never, EVER thought about it this way. You're right. I been hatin' and I should really be feeling sorry for these troubled people.

What is the malady of the person in the left turn lane who won't pull forward enough for you to get in the lane too, so your ass is hanging out in traffic...? Or is that the masturbator?

By the way, IA may not have a penis, but I'm pretty sure she's got a set of girl-balls.

Impulsive Addict said...

Vivienne's right. I got girlballs.

You should turn your email on. It drives Shawn ca-razy.

heartinhand said...

I hate it when people don't use their turn signals! I also hate it when people tailgate. Makes me want to slam on my brakes and have them rear-end me. Does that mean I subconciously want it in the rear?
OMG.

Budd said...

you should come to Boston, they have bad driving down to a science. What about people who lay on the horn constantly?

Dawn said...

Honestly, I'm amazed how accurate you are on the subject. I've NEVER put much thought it to it. And, thankfully, now I don't have too. You've completely analyzed and diagnosed for us. Brilliant.

You, LBB, have the most disturbingly funny mind!

Penny Lane said...

I am an angry driver, but only if you piss me off. If you do something dumb I am coming to get your ass, it won't be pretty..


This post has taught me a lot about myself.

thoughtsappear said...

What about the guy who flips on his right turn signal and then moves to the left?

Can you send me a bumper sticker with the one for tailgating = anal?

Susan said...

Oh, good. I've been trying to find you, and I saw that your blog is invite only. I will now follow you.

Mona said...

No Motiveless malignity that??? Its Pathological? I see...

By those standards ALL those who know how to drive in my country are maniacs...( btwn, I can't :D)

I thought you were reincarnation of Bacon, but now I have doubts...you could be one of Freud. Dr. D...uh..Rick...

Mona said...

PS. who is that innocent looking boy peeping through the profile pic window? Shoo him off, this is an Adult blog!

Chapter Two said...

your mind is a scary place :)
I love it

Impulsive Addict said...

**In response to your comment:
Yes, yes that is EXACTLY what I did. I took a BIG DEUCE in the neighbors yard. It blended in with their dogs' deuces.

That's hot, huh? lol

Deborah said...

This needs to be printed and distributed at the DMV.

I am going to print it and share with hubbins (he is not a blog reader). We will laugh ourselves silly.

I recently reentered commuting and was convinced that my left turn signal was broken because I'd signal left, check to see if I have adequate room, make my move in appropriate fashion, only to be pushed back into my lane by someone who has speeded up to not let me in. Bastards!

Minnesota I have read, has the most aggressive, rage-filled drivers in the U.S. Minnesota Nice is a misnomer.

LBB - I love this post the best until the next post I love the best.

tornwordo said...

We have a game. Whenever someone is driving in a weird way - too slow, changing lanes strangely, whatever. We bet a dollar. It's really a heads or tails thing. Either it's an Asian or the driver's on their cellphone. I hate to sound racist but Asians are currently winning 60/40.