On traffic statute infractions and their underlying psychological causes
Every motorist knows the roadway is a chute to the primal rage and hatred of the human psyche. Driving can turn Mother Theresa into homicidal maniac. Nobody is immune. Everybody drives angry. But why? Driving infuriates us because it has a clear, concise and comprehensive body of rules -- which we insist on breaking. Because there's always a rule, there's always a person in the right and another in the wrong. One feels aggrieved and the other, unfairly persecuted. Both become angry. Driving invokes our sense of justice and fair play, and when a fellow motorist treads on these sensibilities, we turn into bloodthirsty vehicular vigilantes who dispense justice in horn blasts, obscenities and finger gestures. But I'd like the reader to consider that traffic infractions aren't shortcomings in moral turpitude, but rather manifestations of psychological pathology. That is, bad drivers aren't discourteous. They're sick. Examples and analyses follow:
Failure to use turn indicator: People believe those who fail to use a turn signal are inconsiderate drivers. This is false. The truth is, some people feel self-absorbed when signalling. They think, "Why should others care where I'm going?" "Why do I feel the need to broadcast every move I plan to make? Isn't that what Twitter is for?" Essentially, the person who fails to signal turns suffers from low self-esteem. So stop hating them and start pitying them.
Tailgating: You don't need Dr. Freud's help to figure this one out. Tailgaters are revealing their unconscious, repressed desire for anal sex with another man. Keep ridin' that bro-dozer on my Toyota's bumper. That's as close as you're getting, gaymo.
Disturbing the peace with a car sound system: Your state likely has a traffic ordinance prohibiting audible music more than 75 feet away. Two psychological conditions prompt motorists to disobey this law, and we distinguish one from the other by musical taste -- rap or country. The former mistakenly believes his penis is abnormally large; the latter fears his penis is abnormally small. The latter is correct.
Unsafe lane change (cutting off): Some drivers insist on making abrupt lane changes before establishing safe following distance from the car in the destination lane (usually while failing to signal). These drivers fear being what Spaniards refer to as cabrons -- men whose wives are fucking the pool boy. Compulsive lane changing and cutting off other drivers are subconscious "cock-blocks" in which the perpetrator satisfies the urge to thwart other motorists in lieu of obstructing other penises from his wife's vagina.
Excessive speeding: Understand this is not the 5-over speeder most of us are or with whom we sympathize. This is the maniac who barrels down Broadway at 70 mph in a 40-zone, even as he sees the red light ahead. While it's possible he's a dipshit who watched Fast & Furious too many times, the more likely diagnosis is an acute case of diarrhea threatening the custom leather interior.
Fluctuating speed: likely indicates a premature ejaculator whose condition conjures cognitive dissonance with steady speed and frequency. He has compulsions to abruptly slow or halt progress until he can recover his composure, whereupon he scrambles to make up for lost time by jolting forward. The cycle repeats itself multiple times until everyone around him is disappointed.
The guy who doesn't pull all the way up to the light or to the car in front of him at a red light: You know this guy, right? But I'll bet you didn't know the reason --- he's a compulsive masturbator trying to conceal his habit by avoiding side-to-side alignment with onlookers.
Swerving: This driver frequently drifts to the border of his lane and straddles it for miles, prompting other drivers to take evasive action against an unsafe lane change. This habit is the tell of a man struggling to make a major life change. It could be whether to subscribe to that Time-Life Books of the Supernatural series, or whether to join Team Edward or Team Jacob. Another and more likely explanation is fighting to get in touch with his gayness and/or transvestitism.
Single passenger driving in car pool lane: indicates multiple personality disorder (alternate personalities are likely queer).
Driving too slow while in passing lane: No psychological pathology. This guy's just an imbecile. Feel free to hate on him with impunity.