• I wanted to watch Mary Lou Retton's world renowned Olympic vault.  So I did a Yahoo search for "perfect-10 woman mounts horse."  Man, I wound up in a totally different universe than gymnastics.  Somebody call PETA.  
  • I tend to be a victim of my own success.  I side-step this pitfall by being a total failure. 
  • You know who hates their fellow man?  Subway "sandwich architects."  If you want to observe undiluted hatred, go to Subway and watch the hoagie minions.  Can you imagine having to cater to every a-hole's culinary whim?  "OK, I want onions, but not a lot... but not a little.  And I don't want red ones, or green ones.  I want the yellow ones.  But diced, not cut.  Umm... do you have any jalapeño cheese bread freshly baked?  If it's not fresh, then Italian bread..."  I was in line for 3 minutes and I wanted to murder the customers.   Subway has to be the worst fast food employer.  At least at burger joints you can work the grill in peace.  Subway's customers watch your every move through the sneeze guard, barking orders all the way.  Lady, I'm making your sandwich, not planning your wedding.  Shut the fuck up and eat it.  I swear, I'd jump the counter and shove a 12-inch wheat bread in somebody's mouth after a lunch rush of condiment demands.  I would jack 7-Elevens for a living before I took a job at Subway. 
  • I struggle for amusing one-liners and jokes.   But today I heard Charlie Sheen tell his recently deceased pug, "So long.  Kick ass in the next dimension, Betty."   I will never say anything more cool than that no matter how long or hard I try.  Why does God waste talent on douche bags?  Charlie, you're a douche bag and a genius.  Is there a word for that?  Douchenius?  Yes, that's it:  douchenius.
  • If we want to reduce the national deficit, why don't we pay our congressmen according to what they save, and penalize them in proportion to what they overspend?  If my bank can whack me 25 bucks for overdraft "protection," why can't I penalize those fools in Washington?  Reap it, Murphy.
  • I've always wondered how I can type effectively, having memorized the fingering to over 50 characters and keystrokes, yet I can't work the timer on the microwave.  The other day I put a Hot Pocket in the microwave, hit a one-touch cook button, and then went away.  Seventeen minutes later I've got a China Syndrome situation in my kitchen.  The earth's core is now 72% iron, 17 % nickel, and .0000852% ham and cheese.
  • In today's economy, a lot of kids are studying to get their Bachelor of Arts in Unemployment.   Then they're off to grad school for a Masters in Perpetual Education Debt. 
  • I don't understand why a donut at the bakery turns into concrete after 1 day, but a donut in a Hostess bag stays pillow-soft for 18 months.  Do we have any scientists in our blog circle who can explain this miracle to a layman?  Also, how do magnets work?  How does a magnet "know" which way north is?  How does it get it right every time, even in the dark?  And why would the magnet care, anyway?  There's nothing up there of interest -- just a bunch of Canadians.  They should call a compass a Canadiass.


Deborah said...

That doughnut thingy happens with McD's fries as well.

I'm a little scared by all of this, but apparently not that scared since there are Little Debbie doughnuts in the house and fries under my car seat.

Jeannie said...

Watch your mouth buster. ha! Canadiass

I don't think Charlie is a genius. I think he's just such an egomaniac that he honestly doesn't care if he offends or hurts anyone else - so he says all the crap that comes into his head without censorship. We too could blurt out some great one-liners if we weren't watching what we say. I kind of hope that the overdose of Charlie we've had recently kills his career.

Keyboards have remained much the same for decades. Microwaves have no standard and are evolving in crazy dimensions for only 35 years. How could anyone hope to understand them?

Here in Canada, we also have Harvey's which gives you hamburgers your way. Been there longer than Subway as far as I can tell - I'll have to look that up - longer here at least. Harvey's is my favourite burger.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't work at Subway either. Maybe it's us. LOL!

Ah that Charlie Sheen has the vernacular of every 15 year old stoner I went to high school with. He should really try to stay current.

You eat Hot Pockets? And 18 month old doughnuts?! Your body will NEVER decompose once your in the next life kicking ass!

Penny Lane said...

Bad idea. This reminds me of the time when I was a senior in high school and a lowly freshman asked me what porn was. " Google it" was my response. Those were the days.


Last time I went to Subway I asked the person behind the counter is there was ever a person who came in and asked for one of everything on their sandwich, and how much would it cost. He said it never happened and looked at me funny, I complemented the Subway cards.

Oh that Charlie Sheen, in all his "douchenius".

Amen! You understand how politics should work.

That is very impressive. May I give you some advice? Never use the one-touch cook button. Always type in your own time and put it in for less than you think it may take, you can always put it in again. Now you cane master that too. Your welcome. I am a microwave genius. ( I was going to say I am a micro-genius... although possibly true, not what I was looking for)

I hope I don't end up like that. But I think I am on that road. What will two Masters get me? If one is Philosophy I am well on my way to a career in making shit up.

Preservatives. Magnets are smarter than humans. Or rather smarter than me. I don't know which way is North. Where is my fucking compass?

Anonymous said...

I am the PERFECT Subway customer! I actually get more toppings generously thrust my way by doing the "sympathetic, sorry you have to deal with this ass in front of me eye-roll." Follow that with a small shake of the head,a smile, and slight shoulder shrug and you will be waited on like a queen (or king). This works in most establishments.

Charlie Sheen reminds me of Jim in 'Taxi'- maybe he is prepping for the movie version of that show?


jennykate77 said...

So, let me get this straigh...you don't want to be at Sandwich Artist at Subway? Got it.

I've experienced a bit of that Perpetual Education Debt you speak of. Currently, trying to dig myself out after 10 years of being out of college.

Your thoughts on Washington always make me laugh. I think you should get a direct hotline to the White House.

Baloney said...

I always love your thoughtprints.
I never thought about why the Subway workers are so horrid, but they really are. I'm scared to ask for more tomatoes for fear they will try to spit on my food. They glare if you ask.
BTW, I didn't get to ski because I had shoulder surgery. I'm a little handicapped for the next few months.

Memphis Steve said...

Magnets know which way north is the same way animals do. They are in tune with Earth's magnetic field. If the magnetic field were to ever reverse direction, which it has done at least once in history, it would totally screw up everything and we'd have chaotic events such as the South would rise again, Disco would come back in vogue, Madonna would grow younger and less scary, Amy Winehouse's eyebrows would separate into 2 distinct hairy entities, and Hee Haw would come back on television and be a huge hit again. Scientists say the poles are likely to reverse again soon, so stock up on canned goods and ammunition and as many good DVD sets from your favorite television shows as you can. Things are going to get funky if this happens in our lifetime.

Oh, and also, birds wouldn't know how to fly South, turtles and salmon would get lost, and that $1 AutoZone compass I keep stuck to my car's windshield would show me everything backwards. Aside from that, no biggie.

Style, She Wrote said...

" I would jack 7-Elevens for a living before I took a job at Subway." -- LOL love it! xo style, she wrote

Impulsive Addict said...

Great. It's 10:00pm and all I can think about is a Subway Melt with lettuce, pickles, cucumbers, salt, pepper and ranch. It will haunt me all night which sucks because I'm home alone. Thanks a lot LBB.

Love the new word for C-Sheen. I know a few other douchenius's. Or is it doucheni? Whatev. I like it.

The whole microwave disaster lowers your IQ in my head. Not too much but a little.

Wait...now I wanna a freakin' donut.

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

OK. I've seen ya around the comments boxes. Why have I not come over here sooner? I will not be able to scroll through previous posts for fear the big barks of laughter I'm spewing will wake my kids. I'll be back later. You are my people.

Bennet said...

I'm too am conflicted with Charlie Sheen. Douchenius it is. Imagine street bums waking from a drunken slumber, shouting:" WIIINING!"

Not So Simply Single said...

You definitely should do stand up.

I agree with the subway thing...I want to bitch slap the customers when I am standing in line.

Charlie Sheen, really? He is in so much denial...I admit he is a genius, but will he ever get some help for his addiction?

Preservatives keep your donut in a Hostess bag fresh. I wonder if we eat all the things in life with preservatives if we will stay younger longer? Just a thought...


THIS IS ME....ONLINE said...

Microwaves have been known to bring many smart men and women to their knees. Wonder if the people that program the one-touch cooking have ever used the darn thing.

It was in the news this week that Subway has passed up our beloved Mickey D in number of stores. Guess we are going to need more saintly, patient sandwich artists to supply the demand.

Shawn said...

Here's another Google no no...
Hooker furniture! Yep, not the kind of table I was looking for!

Our Subway people are gross, they're sweaty and not friendly. One should never have to ask the person making your food to change their gloves because they just handled money or wiped the sweat from their upper lip. NEVER!

I have to go Google the earth core now to see if you juts pulled those numbers out of your ass!

Oh Charlie, Charlie Charlie!

tornwordo said...

The only thing worse than working at Subway is working breakfast. People are complete freaks about their eggs, bacon and toast. I once had a lady insist that her eggs be over easy with the yolks "runny and hot". Ain't gonna happen bitch.

Bitchzilla On the Loose said...

See,This is why i love your blog.
Btw, Charlie Sheen = Respect.
Not everyone can have such a ugly face, pathetic manners(manners, haha), Drug habbits and can still be AWESOME!!

Bitchzilla on The loose.