4/19/2011

Dear diary

I spent 90 minutes cussing traffic and engaging in fender-fisticuffs as I scrambled off the I-10 yesterday.  Later I would learn the police fatally shot a man -- well, one can only assume the shot was fatal; the bullet nudged him off the SR-51 overpass and 30 feet below onto the I-10 -- and closed the highway for 7 hours.  Seven hours?  Really?  Hey, Phoenix PD, I count 50,000 motorists trying to pass.  What say we pretend your handiwork is a new speed bump?  You can shovel him off the pavement after rush hour.  I'll tell you.  You have to stand back in awe of the Phoenix traffic jam.  It doesn't just slow you down.  It strands you.  You can spend 2 hours exiting a freeway, at which point you have to plot your way along with thousands of displaced drivers all consulting their GPS's instead of watching the road.  You know the brain module that activates at times like this and says, "This is part of the daily commute.  Everybody has to deal with it, not just you.  Stay calm and deal with it."?  Well, I was born without that module.  I lack the gene, or my mom dropped me down the stairs, or I ate some mercury or something.  I don't have the faculty to deal with aggravations like this.  I'm not kidding.  The I-10 rendered me temporarily insane, deranged, spewing verbal filth and spittle while purple-faced, until horse and apoplectic.  With relief and pleasant surprise I write, exalting in the fact that I'm not in prison just now.  For a while yesterday, the big house was a possibility.

My computer monitor has been on the fritz.  It finally gave its farewell performance last night.  In fact, I discovered it finally died while sitting down to write this blog entry.  Off to Target to burn 200 bucks, only to recover my life before the monitor failed.  That's the worst feeling -- spending money to stand still.  When I part with money, I want to elevate my circumstances, feel a fresh breeze, own a new toy.  Nothing's worse than spending money on replacing something you already had -- no improvement.  At least upgrade!  But my last monitor was 400-dollar humdinger.  I can't afford to upgrade.  In fact, this one is smaller.  It features LED technology though, for what that's worth.  By the way, Target was out of stock.  That led me to WalMart -- which I believe is one of Dante's early levels of hell.  I drove to Target bemoaning the money I would spend.  By the time I reached WalMart, I'd have paid somebody 50 bucks just to go in and by the monitor for me.  Sometimes I suspect the lure of money is not in the luxury items, but in the option to avoid hassles.  Pay somebody else to deal with it!  

Wading my way through the WalMart, I hatched a sinister thought:  When the hell did the population become so goddamn fat?  I don't mean overweight.  I don't begrudge our aging population a few extra pounds.  What I mean is, so fat that it imposes on the rest of us.  So fat that one can neither ambulate at a reasonable pace nor allow others to safely pass.  That's when I take obesity personally -- when your girth becomes my problem.  I spent 2 hours in a traffic jam yesterday.  You're giving me flashbacks, fatty!  Man, I lack the patience I had in my youth.  Nowadays, faulty electronics, traffic jams and the obese ignite my temper.  My anger perverts my thoughts so that I fantasize sinister musings.  I hope the guy who caused the traffic jam didn't die, but writhed in pain a bit, for example.  

Blogging like this is therapeutic.  Usually I have an essay in mind or a few jokes.  But today I'm writing a digital diary.  It's cool.  Those of you who have made it this far, thank you for being my soundboards, my friends, my confidants.  What more to write?

I've been spending my free time reading my Kindle.  I love reading.  I do it while I eat out and then read some more when I return home.  Now that the weather is agreeable, I'm reading on my porch.  I love filling my brain with stuff and taking mental trips to wherever (just like the Kindle commercials suggest).  But what I like most is the quietude.  No commercials, no pop-ups, no hysterics or gimmicks or come-ons.  Nobody is trying to sell me anything.  The whole world shuts up and then an author tells me a story.  I love it.  Anymore I need it.  What irony that the latest technological gadget -- the Kindle -- succeeds by resurrecting that hitherto extinct species that technology itself killed off, the book reader, Textus Aficionadus.  People are relying on technology to deliver them from a technological age.  

I'll end here.  Hope you're all well for a spell.

LBB


19 comments:

Jeannie said...

I don't get in so very many traffic jams so, unless I need to get to the airport, I can deal. Or if I have to pee - that's tragic. For that reason, I no longer take a cup of whatever in the car with me.

We are getting fat here too. I am a statistic. I used to be disgusted at fat people and now I am one of them. I don't stop traffic flow though. I can't imagine getting that huge. Talk about uncomfortable. And so many fat people want to pretend they don't eat that much. BULLSHIT. I eat too much. I admit it. Too much and too much of the wrong stuff.

Replacing isn't much fun.

I like my reader too.

Summer Rae said...

I love your posts like this. :) I literally laughed out loud (LLOL'd) as I was reading it. My favorite parts are always the parts containing humor of the poorest taste.

So fun. Thanks for the laugh LBB.

Impulsive Addict said...

Dude. You need to move to Oklahoma. We don't mess around traffic jams mainly because we only have a handful of people living in this great state. You would LOVE it!

Hellmart is good for nothing. I'm sorry you had to endure that nightmare of a place. But I'm not buying this "laptop is broken" business or "reading your kindle" because the truth is, you're addicted to video games. Quit lying to us! We're so on to you and your game...

Rupert said...

1.) apoplectic = GREAT word!

2.) The new Kindles are cheaper than their predecessors, because they have advertisements.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Oh god I can't even think about traffic jams without getting a panic attack. I doubt the KC ones are as bad as Phoenix. But I've also driven in Houston, LA, and Chicago. Those are the effing WORST. :(

I'm sorry about your computer monitor. That blows. I also hate spending money on things that aren't new. It pisses me off.

Oh, and I agree with you on obesity. There is no need for a person to be 400 pounds or more. I mean, understand not everyone has great metabolism and diseases cause weight gain, but I just cannot understand how people get to be uber gigantic. :S

tornwordo said...

If I ever end up in prison, it'll be due to a traffic jam too. 7 hours to remove a fekking carcass? Voila the efficiency of a government organization.

Budd said...

I mean how long does it take to drag a dead body off the road. No traffic jam needed.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I love to read, too. However, after the 2nd child (a girl - very needy) was born, I have so little free time. I bought a magazine a month ago and still haven't finished it! And, I'm a fast reader.....getting interrupted every 5 minutes makes it hard to concentrate. LOL.

JUST ME said...

If you lived where I lived, you would never see any fat people, ever. And it would be weird.

Penny Lane said...

I hate that the reason there is traffic when there is an accident is because everyone has to stop to look what happened. So they hold everyone else back, like really? You'll get the next one.

I hate WalMart, despise.

I like your digital diary. It helps me understand you better.

Shawn said...

Aww Boo I'm sorry you suffer with such horrible road rage. Do I need to send you some Mommy pills? They really do work wonders!

I know I'm in the minority here but I love WalMart, at least my WalMart. The shoppers are all from my hood, even the ones too fat to walk therefore forced to use the electric wheelchair, they carry my brands and its clean. Now don't get me wrong I love Target too but it's further away and they frequently have empty shelves. What usually sends me to Target is the need for a Starbucks, genius putting it in the store I tell ya genius!

Kelley said...

I feel frustrated for you after reading the beginning of your post. I feel like you wanted to be Michael Bolton with a bat going after a dead computer. I bet you could really relate to my husband in my honking post today.

I miss reading. I love it, too. I am toward the end in two books. I put them to the backburner for computer work all the time. I need to stop that mess.

Deborah said...

I am with you on the Wal-Mart phenom. Ours is FULL of chubbies (and I'm speaking as a fatty - but these are monumental chubbies) and all of these people are HANGING out at the Wal-Mart. WTH???? Get your arse to a bar like the rest of us.

sigh

You are so hysterical. Love the traffic stuff. Maybe you could read while in traffic? I've seen this.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

Oh my god, I think we were separated at birth. 1) I am the nicest person you'd ever meet but I get terrible road rage where horrible obscenities spew from my mouth and then I quickly check my phone to make sure I'm not on an accidental phone call with someone who would have me committed. 2) I love to read for the same reasons as you and 3) I, too, have noticed that we are getting fatter. They just upped the weight for obesity, so now we can be fat and still be normal. And if you think Walmart is bad, try going to Disney World. Fat people love Disney.

Baloney said...

Those things don't happen in Tulsa, you know.
What are you reading?

Memphis Steve said...

You know what else is therapeutic? Shooting guns. Yeah, guns. Combine shooting guns with traffic aggravations or slow computers and you've really got something! Sure, it's illegal, but everything fun is illegal.

XLMIC said...

I am flummoxed as to how I, a Berkeley-born liberal (really), LOVES everything about your blog. My husband is giving me a hard time about my blog-crush. Maybe I am a closet-conservative? Or just someone who knows funny when she reads it and isn't hung up on labels ;-)
I look forward to every new LBB post.

heartinhand said...

I hate to sound like a bitch, but something I noticed when we were in Vegas that there are a large number of overweight people there. I kind of thought maybe Vegas wasn't a good example because most of the people in Vegas aren't FROM Vegas, but we were all over that town and there were plenty of overweight people. Kind of broke my heart. Mostly because it ruined my appetite.

(I'm going to hell.)

Shosh said...

I love my Kindle, in fact, I upgraded to their latest a few months ago. When I do my house chores like a good little wifey, it even reads my story to me. Yes, I've gotten to like the robotic voice which keeps my story going. In fact, something, I prefer it from other readers who sound quite horrendous to me. Give me my robotic reader anytime!