4/15/2011

If I Were God

If I were God, I would crumple up hell in my Divine Hands and throw it in the cosmic trash. With all due respect to His Divinity, He's missing the point of hell: to poke fun and humiliate those who were consummate jerkoffs during their time on earth -- and have fun doing it. What fun is condemning people to hell if you're on the other side of the cosmos where you can't watch them squirm?  I'd keep the evil souls in heaven.  But I wouldn't give them a chance to enjoy it.

For example, take Goliath from the Bible.  I'd have a blast vexing him.  "Hey, Goliath.  What do you say we get stoned and then go to a rock concert?"  And then I'd hit a rimshot.  I wouldn't just say "rimshot." I'd be God, after all.  So I'd miracle a real rimshot sound effect every time I burned one of these little bastards.  Screw the fire and brimstone.  I'd burn them metaphorically, with my Divine 'Dis.  "Ah, you know I'm just kidding, Goliath.  Let me make it up to you.  Bartender, make my friend here a Singapore Sling."  Rimshot!

When people think "evil," they think Adolf Hitler.  He's currently doing an after-life sentence in hell.  Seems a waste to me.  Here's a guy ripe for a roasting, Dean Martin style.  I'd keep Adolf on a steady diet of lox and bagels.  And I'd make him be the personal manservant of some famous Jewish guy like that Borat fellow or maybe Mel Brooks -- when either finally gets around to dying.  Orthodox Christians might comment that Borat and Brooks won't gain admittance into heaven because they haven't accepted Christ as their personal savior.  But if I were God, I'd let them slide on that technicality.  But first I'd punk them at the gates and make them think they weren't getting in:  "You see?  They were right about Me after all.  You shouldn't have tossed that book aside after you finished the Old Testament, douche bag.  The ending is the best part."  Then I'd grab the golden lever with the "Hell Chute" sign above it and gesture like I was going to pull it.  Finally, I'd let them in on the gag:  "You just got punked.  I was kidding of course.  Make yourself at home, guys. But seriously, if my Kid asks, tell Him I was really hard on you guys."

The Unibomber went to hell.  Instead, why not make him the clerk in Heaven's Mailroom?  Then, every once in a while, send him a ticking package or an envelop that reads, "Boom."  Let him sweat it out, the sick bastard.  You've got to get creative with these people.

Saddam's in hell.  Remember the mustard gas he launched at those Kurds and Iranians?  From now on, everything Saddam eats gets coated in hot spicy mustard.  The gag is, I'd first give him a a gastric ulcer and a mustard allergy.  Also, I'd switch his jock-itch cream with Bengay.  Chemical Warfare.

Michael Jackson?  I'd make him have sex with beautiful adult women all day and night.  Ironic, isn't it?  One man's heaven is another man's hell.

Dear Real God:  I hope to Christ You have a sense of humor.  Yours in humility and servitude, LBB.

18 comments:

Jeannie said...

Don't worry - definitely has a sense of humour - we have sex to procreate.

Impulsive Addict said...

First of all, this is super funny! If MJ has to have sex with adult women all day, then we'll just assume he's not fairing too well up there...or down there. And I think God has a sense of humor. If not, I'm screwed.

Second of all, this posting once a week shiz is for the birds. Get over your addiction to those silly games and come back to us. I'm totally saying that in my meanest teacher voice and ugly glare.

Nicole said...

What if Hitler and all those other guys were reincarnated and actually are being forced to do these things in one way or another??

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

Note to self: Do not stand to close to LBB during stormy weather.

tornwordo said...

What's really cool is that maybe we are all god and I loved your MJ idea. Sometimes I wonder if this life is a punishment for some other.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I love your evil creative mind. If someone ticks me off, I'll sit around trying to think of ways I can make their life a living hell. LOL. And everyone who knows me thinks I'm so sweet! Bwahahaha!!!

Mona said...

Butt? What is this I see? God using Devil's means??? Clever God! I knew He created Devil for his own purpose!

You could be god's personal adviser...

I wonder if Elizabeth Taylor is sitting on Gandhi's lap out there... ( her punishment, not his reward)

Eeshie said...

You. Are. Hilarious.

Why haven't I met you before?!? YOU'RE AMAZING. And you make being funny seem effortless. Not fair, man. Not fair.

And you were so cute when you were little! Aww!

jennykate77 said...

Oh, LBB. You are so funny.

You're right...one man's heaven is another man's hell.

I'm diggin the MJ thing.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Penny Lane said...

you are sinister... you know that right?

I like it.

Shawn said...

You're a total mess!

I believe God does have a sense of humor after all He is the One who gave me a size 4 waist with a size 10 ass!

I'm with IA, put down the game controller and return to the keyboard!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I like your versions of "hell" better than the fiery flames we're taught in church. Lol. That is what they really deserve...

Shabbygal said...

You always have such an interesting take on things! I know God must have a sense of humor just look around! Traci

Deborah said...

Love this idea. I'm going with it. The punishment fits the crime and all that.

Although I'd hate to see what my hell would involve. I'm not even going to talk about it! heh

BamaTrav said...

Throw a little BBQ sauce in on em, at least for fragrance.

XLMIC said...

The mustard got me good! lol

For real, why are you only giving us a good time once a week? So not fair.

Baloney said...

I think you may be on to something.

6 Happy Hearts said...

You are sealing the deal here...
professional writer gone rogue maybe?!
Hhmmm...you're very witty.
I know God has a wicked sense of humor. He's used it on me a couple of times.
My comment on this post...
"I feel ya dog."
I'm watching too much AI.
Just remember, "Real God" loves you & so do all your blog friends :)
Happy Easter!