I’m not a man of moderation.  Admittedly, most things I do come out mediocre.  But when it comes to remedies and indulgences, I like going to the extreme.  I enjoy overdoing things.  Especially when I’m deprived for a while, I like a double portion of what I lack.  It’s so satisfying.  I figure anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Take, for example, chapped lips.  Living in the desert, I sometimes suffer from chapped lips, which often strike when lip balm isn’t handy.  I have to wait until I hit the drugstore for relief.  So once I get my hands on some lip balm, I drown my lips in it.  I want that life-giving moisture to soak in and saturate my lips.  Then I want a cake of balm plastered to my lips, at the ready, in case the first layer needs reinforcement.  When I get done applying lip balm, I look like I gave a blowjob to a candle factory.

The same thing goes with food.  I don’t eat like a normal, healthy person.  Most people respond to pangs of hunger by eating a sensible meal.  I don’t.  I continue to fast.  Occasionally I’ll exacerbate my hunger with exercise, watching the Food Network, or ganja.  I wait until I’m so hungry, the thought of a tofu hotdog served on a naked Bea Arthur is appetizing.  Then, when I can’t wait moment longer, I’ll throw together a meal worthy of Henry the VIII.  As I jackhammer food down my gullet, I imagine myself “killing” my hunger.  It feels great.  Nothing satisfies like a bout of gluttony after fasting for 16 hours.

I rummage for those foods highest in calories.  Sometimes when I’m food-deprived, I’ll fantasize about foods that don’t exist in the real world, but only in a theoretical culinary plane where foods boast the highest calorie density in the universe -- something in the way of a bacon-wrapped cheesecake, or beef brisket served between two fried Twinkies, or prosciutto ham that squirts out of a Cheeze-Whiz can.  Hunger transforms me into a culinary mad scientist.

I also like overcorrecting with climate.  Even in the desert, winters can be cold, especially when you insist on wearing shorts and sandals year-round.  I’ll spend a few minutes outdoors, in the cold, knocking back a Circle-K Thristbuster.  Once I’m frozen to the bones and my beanbag is cinched up like rawhide, I head for my gymnasium, which has a sauna.  I’m so cold, all can think about is the 170-degree closet.  I strip down, hop in, and relax for about 7 hours, until I overheat.  Sometimes I hallucinate like an Indian on the high planes.  I have visions in which I’m a half-wolf hybrid or something.  I always come to once I exit the sauna and resume normal body temperature.  But while I’m overheating, I relish in overcorrecting what ailed me -- the cold.  But now I’m hot.  My skin is red.  My heart is pounding.  I’ve sweat about 40% of my bodyweight out my pores.  When I walk out of the sauna, I look like freakin’ Ghandi, or an extra fromSchindler’s List.

The nice thing about the sauna is, I dehydrate.  This leads me to my next overcorrection – quenching thirst.  Nothing beats going into hypovolemic shock from the sauna and then cruising to Circle-K for a Thirstbuster of diet soda.  Say there, my good man.  If I by one of those gas cans, can I fill it with Dr. Pepper at the soda fountain?  Money is no object.  No joke – I typically gain 5 pounds per day from drinking so much diet soda, only to urinate it off during the night.  My kidneys appreciate the extra business.

I enjoy oversleeping, too.  Everybody’s had a string of days (or weeks!) where they’ve gone with less than enough sleep.  It’s a cumulative effect.  Eventually, you’re a zombie.  When I find myself in this state, I like to convert a day off of work into a daylong slumber.  Sure, I’ll awake after 8 or 9 hours.  And often I’m well rested.  But I’m just getting started.  I coax myself back to sleep.  While the rest of the world tackles the workaday, I’m deliriously comatose.  Sometime in the late afternoon or early evening I’ll awake.  My limbs are numb.  I can’t think.  I have a bad case of “pillow-face,” and I struggle for about 40 minutes remembering what day it is and whether I’ve missed any appointments.  Is the rent due?  Do I still have my job?  Who’s the president nowadays?  Is this a sunset or a sunrise?  I don’t know!  Where’s my compass?

After a 17-hour nap, I don’t recognize my universe or myself.  That’s how I know I’ve done it right.

Other ways in which I overcorrect:

*Racing my car after clearing a traffic accident.  I figure I’ve got the right to speed until such time that my average velocity rises to that of the posted limit on the highway.

*Taking a long, hot shower after shopping at WalMart.

*When I have a cold and I’m chronically congested, I’ll sniff a little Drain-o.  Not enough to kill me, just enough to bore through the snot.

*Double-killing insects that have been bothering me. Sometimes, after spraying the insect with poison, I’ll step on him. Sure, he’s already dead. But I want to hear a crunch.


Jennifer Fabulous said...

Haha wow you really take everything to the extreme, don't you? :P

I wish I had your willpower when it came to food. I can't hold off eating after five hours. It sucks.

And I think everyone should take a shower after shopping at Wal-Mart!!

C... said...

I see. This is why guys really don't react much to women getting upset at them. They've already used up all their energy on other things like these. :)

Heather said...

I was amused by this post, but I forgot everything when I read that Drano cure for snot.
I have had chronic sinus infections my whole life and some pretty weird things have occured to me to try as a cure, but THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!!!!!

I am leaving now to buy a nose dropper. And what the heck a gas can full of DP while I am at it.

Gucci Mama said...

I think I'm in love.

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

OK, I actually DO go the extra mile and double-kill bugs and spiders. Perfectly normal behavior. Additionally, I think bacon wrapped cheesecake sounds good. (Bacon-chocolate chip cookies sure are!)
The lip-balm/candle factory thing has me both shaking my head and laughing.

Jeannie said...

I feel so moderate.

Baloney said...

You should multitask. Take that extra long nap while you are 7 hours in the sauna.

Mona said...

Believe it or not, you have oral fixation!

thoughtsappear said...

I love Twinkies, and I love beef brisket, but I follow the strict rules of "Don't Mix Sweet and Salty."

Shosh said...

Such a relief to find out that I am not the only crazy person who does things in extreme. Not all the time, but often enough to be disturbing, even to myself. I went through a 10-season marathon of Smallville. I watched 3 seasons back to back. My house was falling apart. My husband and my mother had to hold forth because my butt was permanently glued to my favorite couch. The good thing about that marathon? I wasn't hungry enough to much of anything and end up losing weight. Yay! Still, it wasn't pleasant to find out that my butt can get numb sitting down doing nothing!

On chapped lips, I find that Lypsyl works so much better. Chapped sticks hardly ever works for me.


Penny Lane said...

You know what I always say....go big or go home!

Impulsive Addict said...

Oh how I missed reading you while partying it up with those crazy blogger friends of mine in Austin. We talked about you....just so you know.

But what happened in Austin stayed in Austin.

Roxrocks said...

You'd better watch it. Homeland Security might label you an Extremist. Especially if they see you crossing the border into Canada in January/February!

Again with the diet coke. That stuff will kill you, man!

XLMIC said...



Deborah said...

Some of those extreme foods you listed are actually sold at the Minnesota State Fair.

Come and enjoy!

tornwordo said...

Eventually, age is going to nip this in the bud for you. I know from experience.

Mrs4444 said...

Drain-O, huh? That explains a lot :)