5/31/2011

The plane truth

The airlines have collectively hemorrhaged $30 billion over the last 25 years or so.  Anybody who's owned an airline stock has had their portfolio “made love to” in the pooper by a man endowed like a 747.  Airline stocks always nose-diving because airlines can't etch out profits unless Uncle Sugar sends them a check.

Consequently, airlines are constantly trying to save money.  They cut meal service.  They cut employee salaries.  They cut numbers of flights and destinations -- whatever they can trim, they trim.  Even peanuts and pillows are on the chopping block.  But they never cut the stewardesses, and I have to wonder why.  Can't they just install a soda fountain and a vending machine in front of the emergency exit?  When you board the plane, you'd stop at the soda fountain, pour yourself a cold one and grab a bag of nuts.  Maybe they could even have a slushy machine.  Who knows?  The point is, if airlines installed a soda fountain and a vending machine into the planes, they could kick the stewardesses into the jet stream.

This would save the airlines millions.  What does your average plane stooge make per year?  About as much as a teacher, plus benefits.  Carrying at least 2 stewardesses, each plane costs the airlines about $100 grand per year.  That's real savings, people.  Remember the plane that had its roof ripped off in mid-flight?  Many saw that as a tragedy.  But it saved the airlines 100 grand when the 2 stewardesses flew out of the opening.  The airlines, of course, pass those savings on to us.  Cha-ching!  Flight attendants are always striking anyway, in this case, the ground (rimshot!).

Many of you are probably thinking, But LBB, who's going to instruct us how to use the seatbelt, oxygen masks and flotation devices in the event of an emergency.  I've already thought of that.  Just put the information on a pamphlet.  Then give all the passengers the pamphlet.  Everything you need to know that's really important would be on the pamphlet.  Pamphlets are effective teachers.  I learned about puberty, pregnancy, peer pressure, STDs, drugs and alcohol, homosexuality and suicide prevention on pamphlets.  And I'm happy to report that I've avoided most of these pitfalls in my life thanks to the information on those pamphlets.  All the important lessons in life are printed on pamphlets.

Incidentally, I peeked in the cockpit on my last flight and I saw the pilot reading a pamphlet.  It was titled “How to Execute an Emergency Landing While Minimizing Casualties.”  I was delighted to see the pilot freshening up his skills during the flight.  I never slept so soundly on a plane before.

Soda fountains, vending machines and pamphlets -- an idea that can save the airline industry.

14 comments:

Shawn said...

Just think of the extra revenue they could generate with the paid cargo they could carry if they removed the extra weight of the stewardesses. Gone are the days were all stewardesses could walk between the seat without turning sideways!

Pamphlets are both good and bad. Our Pediatricians office is full of them. Just ask my 11 year old with a near photogenic memory, she'd love to tell you her new knowledge of anal sex. I was both mortified and angry!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I haven't been on a plane in 30 years (don't intend to fly anytime soon, either), but I think the stewardess thing is a bit worn out, too. Why are there a handful on every flight when the clients don't even get a soda or something? What do they do in their spare time? LOL.

Jeannie said...

You are funny - and most likely correct - but they already have the pamphlet. Some airlines still have the steward(esses) but run a safety video. They do need someone on the flight to fend the crazies off from the cockpit. There are always those annoying people who absolutely must have their whining listened to. Perhaps they could have a nice pit bull stationed at the front and skype installed with some lonely grandma on the ground to listen to the idiots.

Rox said...

I think of the stewardesses as air waitresses that you don't have to tip. How someone can eat on a plane is beyond me anyway, I'm usually looking for a Valium. Hey now! Valium dispensers! THAT'S what they need on planes!

XLMIC said...

I wish they still had HOT stewardesses like in the olden days. I remember as a kid flying on PSA... the orange and hot pink minidresses and hot pants with tunics... and the little hat things. And they all looked like real live Barbie dolls. They were HOT. And NICE. The ones nowadays are ugly and mean.

BTW...
new hair-flipping video... just for you ;-) come...
can I get another vote? tomorrow's the last day :)

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

I love the vending machine idea. Almost didn't get to it, though, because of your disgusting opening paragraph. Starting a happy, fun blog with an anal rape analogy is just yucky. Yuck.

But I, too, have wondered why all the fuss over serving pop on an airplane. What, we can't go two hours without a fizzy drink? People complain that there are not as many snacks and meals on flights. Why do we feel we need to eat food while traveling? And if you really can't go an hour without putting something in your mouth, bring your own from home or from the airport Quiznos.

And the flight attendants are waitresses, not security guards. If they were security guards, they'd be bigger and armed.

Kelley said...

This was so good! You are so smart! I never thought about all of those things. Pamphlets ARE the answer! The only thing is...my flight attendant friend down the street and my flight attendant gaybors next door will miss out on their free flights to Rio de Janeiro (sp?) and Paris every month.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I swear you need to be on charge of the world.

I hate flying. I don't remember the good old days of flying. I think they ended when I was born. I barely remember food on airplanes. Sigh.

The whole system has gone to crap!

Raven said...

ok again, not quite sure I understand quite what is going on here in this blog post, but I will try to give my thoughts in a semi-intelligent matter...

actually, let me just sum it all up. If everyone was a lot smarter and just took their own carry-on alcohol, you know, those little bottles? we wouldn't need stewardesses. no one cares about eating on the plane anyway, they just want to drink. So that cuts out the stewardesses and the men stewardesses.

about the pamphlet idea. I'm pretty sure all the safety info is already in it, but does it even matter? NO ONE reads it and NO ONE pays attention to the stewardesses and men stewardesses who use their sign language to spell it out for us. SO, we don't even need pamphlets. Get rid of those too.

no pamphlet costs and no stewardesses and men stewardesses. Now can the cost of an airline ticket go down?

probably not, because the airlines are bitches.

Raven said...

"semi-intelligent matter" HAHAHAHA!!

make that "semi-intelligent manner" HAHAHA!!

I'm smart.

thoughtsappear said...

A slushy machine right before you board is the best idea ever. Except then they need deeper cup holders cause those little dents in the trays are a joke, and I'm not holding that cold drink during the whole flight.

tornwordo said...

I love the soda fountain idea. And there already is a pamphlet that they encourage you to follow along. When they show how to buckle the seat belt I always think, are you being sarcastic? I mean, what other explanation is there?

Mona said...

An Idea can change the life!

Ari said...

A capital idea. Email it anonymously to each major airline, but make sure it's anonymous, lest the Flight Attendants' Union find you in the meantime, passing by you on every flight with a cart full of cold soda, but denying you that icy Diet Coke forever more.