5/13/2011

Thoughtprints

  • Just thought of a new accomplishment for the Dos Equis guy:  "Although he prefers beer, he can make a wonderful bathtub margarita by showering with the drain plugged."
  • Why can't you have your cake and eat it, too?  Isn't having it a prerequisite?  You have to HAVE it first before you can eat it.  Last night I ATE pizza because that's what I HAD for dinner.  I don't want to get into a semantic argument.  I just want my cliches to make sense.  And also, you don't "get what you pay for."  If that were true, nobody would get ripped off!
  • I wish eating burned more calories.  In my world, chewing would burn 80% of the food's calories, and swallowing would burn the other 20.  So by the time you burned a few more calories straining on the crapper, you'd be losing weight!  Now you're in Flavor Country!
  • Like all fathers, I want my little girl to remain virtuous now that adolescence has arrived.  But I'm not the shotgun father type.  No lectures or threats.  Instead, I've nailed 5x7 pictures of all her dead relatives on the ceiling, over her bed.  Work smarter, not harder!
  • Speaking of beers, have you tried a Navy Seal Beer?  It's just regular beer served in a mug, but you have to blow the head off, first.  Rimshot!
  • Sometimes I think "'til DEBT do us part" would be a better wedding vow.
  • Headline: "Wife sues husband for $12 million for not having sex with her."  Man, what a great pick-up line this guy has:  "Hey, the last woman I stopped having sex with needs 12 million dollars just to feel whole again."
  • Headline: "Man dressed as cow steals 26 gallons of milk..."  Bull dressed as self mounts man dressed as cow; man hospitalized in colo-rectal ward.
  • Headline: "Man caught peeing on cough drops in drug store."  Later told authorities he was confused by instructions to "moisten lozenge and inhale fumes."
  • Headline:  "Russians deny cosmonauts had sex in space."  However, they did admit to several "solo missions," if you get their drift.
  • Headline: "America's Toughest Sheriff lets public rate mugshots online"... low self-esteem sufferers getting arrested for opportunity to be vindicated with high ratings amid thugs.
  • Headline:  Jail smuggler hid cell phone, an MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco, and $140 in rectum.  Guards became suspicious when prison rape played Beyonce song and dialed local Domino's Pizza.
  • What irony that the latest technological gadget -- the Kindle -- succeeds by resurrecting that hitherto extinct species technology itself killed off, the book reader, Textus Aficionadus.  People are relying on technology to deliver them from a technological age.
  • I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I brake for snakes."  Fair enough.  I wish I had one that read, "I accelerate for a-holes."
  • Forty years in art: "Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play..." to "I used to be commander-in-chief of my pimp ship, flying high..."
  • I've seen the damage drunk-dialing, drunk-texting and drunk-Facebooking can do.  From now on when I get the urge, I'm going to go for a long drive and cool off.
  • I tend to be a victim of my own success -- a risk I side-step by being a total failure.
  • Failed pick-up line #138: "Congratulations. You've met my minimum standards for attractiveness, earning power and social status."
  • Can bouncers telecommute?  "Put that guy on the phone... Yeah, hey pal.  No more booze for you, and I need you to leave quietly.  OK, bro?  Hold on, I've got another call coming in... some dude with a fake I.D."

15 comments:

Jeannie said...

I did that - angry drunk jumps in the car for a drive to cool off...

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Just catching up with lame Blogger (being out of commission for 2 days really chapped my ass). And, I watched your Vlogs - you are as cute as you are funny!If I was single and not 3 yrs older than you, I'd be tryin' to get a date! ;-)

heartinhand said...

"Textus Aficionadus" made me LOL!

Your daughter is entering the phase of her life that is going to make you mental. You hair? Color it grey and consider it gone. Your wrinkles? Squinch up your face and look in the mirror, consider that the prequel. (Can you tell I'm in the home stretch of teenage daughter #2?)

Penny Lane said...

You know I chewing gum burns calories, but then it makes you hungry, because it sends the signal to your stomach that food is coming but it never does, or some shit like that. I just thought it was a fun fact.

Don't drink and drive... you might spill ( wise words given to me by my father).

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

1. Drunk Facebooking is a dangerous {{dangerous!}} thing. At least when you drunk-dialed it was over and no one else knew about it. When you drunk-Facebook, advertising concepts are being formed and companies are doing business differently because of your alcohol-induced proclamations.

2. You said Kindle was "the latest technological gadget." Take that back right now. You're showing your age. The Kindle came out AT LEAST 18 month ago, making it a cave man tool.

3. That jail smuggler headline . . . where do you find this stuff? I'm a little bit sick right now. Must have a little more wine and start Facebooking.

thoughtsappear said...

"I wish eating burned more calories." So true! I think 85% for chewing especially tough foods.

Impulsive Addict said...

I love the chewing gum theory. Can you work on this please? Kthanks.

Dead relatives on the ceiling? Morbid but I like it. Whatever works, right?

Why did cow guy need 26 gallons of milk? It goes bad too quickly and it's not like he can take it to the black market...

Memphis Steve said...

If the Dos Equis guy were REALLY all that, he'd make Angelina Jolie leave Brad Pitt to be with him. And then he'd dump her.

Mona said...

What is it about facebooking that has people showing danger sign! I hope I never have to learn the hard way...coz ppl I know don't spell it out clearly!

and now I am thinking, that if eating could BURN calories, we might all disappear one day without having added any

Poor girl, Family is watching her huh? Don't make her a exhibitionist , that is a perfect formula you have fixed for her!

I wish he would give the poor thing her 12 millions to assist her feel whole again!

speaking of Bumper stickers, I have to put some unique pictures at my blog!

Delightful yet...? said...

wow...you really make me think sometimes...haha...

NOT A BAD THING! :-)

Your Dos Equis comment makes me want a margarita with an upside down Dos Equis...ay yi yi yi!!!

Cheers!

Shawn said...

Being the Mom of 2 girls scares the shit out of me. I avoid their "were you a virgin when you got married" questions like the freaking plague! Do as I say not as I do dammit!

Great, now I'm singing Moo-Moo I love You, I Know You'e A Cow But Anything Will Do. Johnny Brandmeier, a DJ from Chicago, wrote that song after some sicko was caught having sex with a cow. TRUE STORY....GOOGLE IT!

6 Happy Hearts said...

The Jail Smuggler headline is just wrong, sick & wrong.
My hubby is the shotgun type. I don't think it will scare off any boys though. Did it scare you off?
Exactly.

Deborah said...

When I was dating-as-an-adult a few years ago, I drunk-emailed twice. It isn't pretty.

Why is it that when you're drunk you are your most witty?

Until you wake up in a pool of drool.

Raven said...

omg. you're hilarious.

a boy blogger, I like it!

tornwordo said...

I've always thought "making a mountain out of a molehill" was lame since it's impossible.